Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Tuesday01.05.07I hate this! all the mask work we do, without even realising it. or maybe we do realise it, but we can't help it anyway, or we choose to do it anyway. who am i to judge? after all, it's not like i know what they're thinking. goodness, i'm not even close enough in their world to even UNDERSTAND what it's like for them. it's like i'm behind this one way mirror, and i can see them and hear them but they can't see me or hear me. and i don't understand what they're talking about because i can never get close enough, but i can see them and i can just get so jealous and envious i could cry. i've never been there, accepted, in, whatever you call it, and i'm tired of trying. tired of pretending to myself i am, tired of pushing myself forward so that i'm marginally in, tired of forcing myself into other people's company when it's obvious they don't want me there. tired of trying to play the strong christian, straight-A student. tired of being a despo piece of shit.
grow up, laura.
the face is the place, indeed. it's like everyone puts on these fake faces, and i can see past them to the bitchiness behind, but i can't see past
that to the real inside, and i'm not even sure there's a third layer inside behind the bitchiness anyway. the face is the place, like how i
had to dress up today even though i really wanted to just wear a shirt and slacks, because i knew everyone else would be really dolled up and looking great, and looking like it was totally effortless while i struggle into my nice jeans and earrings. it's so judgemental, put one toe wrong and that's it, you're out. not that you were in anyway, but i do prefer being ignored and forgotten to being dissed. then again, at least then i'd be noticed, right?
maybe it's the whole monologue thing. i was such a horrible character, but deep down inside, that's why i chose that monologue, because i suspect that deep down, way inside, i'm like that. just some cold aloof character who's forgotten how to feel because it hurt too much, who kills others to ease her own pain, who just desperately cries out for someone, somewhere, to understand.
i just want someone to notice me, she cries. well, i can identify. and now, i'm just finding it so hard to put on that hot stuffy difficult mask again now that i've let it down before.
I'M JUST SO TIRED OF WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHERS WILL SAY!forget it. i
don't have to explain myself to you, and i'm not going to. think what you like, say what you like.
i know the truth, and that's good enough for me. and i know i won't feel like this tomorrow, or even just later, when i get out of the solitude of my room and meet you all. the masks will all be there, and my own will slip right back on. albeit uncomfortably.
for now, whatever to you.
there are so many ways to say the same thing, but sometimes there's no way to say the one thing that matters.
and sometimes it all doesn't matter because it's not said anyway.
oooh. teenage angst. hits you like a blast.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:52 PM
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