Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Tuesday
26.07.05

this is the happy part of my post.
i met this wonderful boy on the bus!!! hahahahaha he is INCREDIBLY adorable la.
whoa. let's slow down and recap a bit. clara went home early today and yvonne doesnt take 48 so i was taking the bus alone today. studied chem for quite a bit (one handout) and then fell asleep. haha next thing i knew the little kid was like nudging my shoulder. haha i think his grandma (beside him) was about to tell him not to bother people, but too late i was awake.

"jiejie! hi!!" so ADORABLE. he looks remarkably like ryan (cousin) and he certainly acted as if he knew me so i thought it was ryan. haha hey i just woke up, give me a break.
"hi!!-[waves]-you're very pretty."
"oh.. thank you." [smiles and waves]
"you can go back to sleep now." [smiles adorably]
"uh..ok..." [goes - rather self-consciously - back to sleep. hey, i was TIRED.]
-a few minutes later-
"jiejie!! jiejie!!"
[wakes up] "oh hello!"

yeah so anyway. he was the cutest little kid. i kinda understand why mel and all like little kids so much. with them, you don't have to worry about your looks, whether what you say will be used against you or offend them, what to do, how to act. they just accept you for who you are. i can't remember the last time someone above six did that to me, and the last time anyone did that was this cute little girl a year ago at church retreat camp. it's the most wonderful feeling.
not having to worry about politics, not feeling left out or worried about having nothing to say or not being able to entertain/engage. just, let them talk, nod, listen, laugh, encourage...

this is the deeper, slightly dark part of my post.
what will it be if i could live my life again? would i choose riches or the praises of men?
sometimes i'm tempted, to choose romance... and the possibility, that my lonliness will end...
no wonder people like vic are always in and out of love. i know, it's not really deep, it certainly isn't very lasting. but while you have it, it's the greatest feeling. to have someone really appreciate you, like you, care about you. i'm just so..hungry for that kind of concern. i know it sounds despo and everything. i don't care, and i'm not talking about bgr. but, sometimes - no, most times - i'll walk across the street and then i'll wonder. what if, a car just came and knocked me down now? would anyone realise? would anyone care? how long would it be til my classmates realised i wasn't in school? how long more til they bother to call to check, if ever?
it's as if, well, i don't matter. at all. anywhere, anytime, to anyone. and well. it sounds self-centred and attention-hungry. but it's true. i just wish someone, somewhere would love me. not for what i do, not for what i sometimes can be. but for me, just as me.
does that even make sense?

this is the dark part of my post.
what's happening? there is so much...envy. jealousy. and thus, anger. and so much more, bitchiness. what happened to the happy, carefree girl with not a care in the world? the ready smile, the easy laughter, the strong faith?
i know what's happening, what's happened. worse, i know the why. inside, a hunger is burning, and a desperation to confide in someone, somewhere, sometime - soon. but no. no one must know, no one must even be allowed a near guess. because then the fragmented skeleton that is holding this world up might just crumble into a million pieces.
i am here, and not fallen, i am afraid to try for more light, lest it mean more dark.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 9:20 PM

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Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Wednesday
13.07.05

angry, confused, hurt. no, not hurt. because if i was hurt it would have been someone else's fault. and since it's mine, it isn't.

quote: "and if you keep breaking the ban, i'll extend it. ban you from the PC altogether. take away your handphone. let's see who wins in the end."

let's see, indeed.

thank you, aaron. and melissa. for helping me to smile, just a little.

and the rest of the evening. was horrible. after the netball game which rocked, too. lisabelle was asking for tips etc on the vip and stuff and i had to go offline. wth. and mel was talking about the bible study which i'm supposed to lead, which noone will do because they haven't received it yet, because mum uses open office which cant open on any other com. so open, they are.
and i haven't done all my work. and tomorrow (today) there isn't debate so i have to go for PT after all. physics which i don't understand after the brainbreakdown after consecutive bio lang arts and chem. *screws up eyes in disgust*. plus on friday i'm gonna have to miss RCC for dance. what the hell. maybe i'll just skip dance. but can't, already on the verge of being kicked out. of both, i might add. how wonderful. if it didnt keep raining on tuesdays i might just quit rcc and go then. oh whatever. i'm just whining and bitching away. plus i feel bad cos i was taking it out on michelle (whom my aunt is STILL, after fourteen and a half years, calling "lorla") and auntie siew ee and nazri and chunhan and melissa. (basically, those online). and that other guy i've been daoing (and blocking). hey, sorry. really.

to all of you who've been sitting there reading this, or not. sorry for such a crappy whiney bitchy entry. sorry for all the time you've wasted reading this. now you'd better move on before i snap at you too.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:26 PM

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Wednesday, July 06, 2005

06.07.05
Wednesday

to you who make me smile/laugh just by being yourself.
to you who make me feel at ease, just because you're there.
to you who warm my heart with the little actions that matter so much to me, and so little to you.
to you whom i can talk to, and be myself with.
to you who cheer me up, just by reminding me you care.
to you who understand, or try to.
to you who inspire me.
to all the people who give me the strength to make it through hour after hour, day after day, week after week.

thank you.

to simran. christine. Xh. clara. yirui. mark. samuel. nazri. aaron. melissa. lucinda.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 10:25 PM

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06.07.05
wednesday

i cannot believe i am updating now. it is ten-sixteen. and i have not TOUCHED my bio. but NO, im not studying, i'm here typing this...
and it's not even original...more adaptations....
but it IS something meaningful. (from charissa's)

maybe.
some people don't want to help.
other people just don't notice.
some people don't understand what you're feeling.
other people think they don't.
some people disagree with you.
other people just don't care.
some people have feelings too.
other people don't want to.
some people face problems.
other people don't think they do.
some people are always lost.
other people think they're the centre of the universe.
some people just want to give up.
other people don't even know what's happening.
some people write this.
other people will misinterpret it.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 10:14 PM

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Babel




things to do before i die