Thursday, May 31, 2007
do you feel like that sometimes?or is it just me?
don't you ever squirm in your seat
wanting to just leap out and move -
move - to the music -
groove - to the beat - ?
dance is the song of the body
it is power, glory on earth
and it is yours for the taking.
they weren't the best ones i'd ever seen
but watching them gave form to a dream
specially tailored down to fit
because i knew deep inside all the hope in infinity
wouldn't be enough
yet
the joy expressed
the pain lived
and relieved
the control
and the power
and the glory
the sweat
and the smiles
and the tears
the life
when i dance i cannot judge
cannot hate
cannot separate myself from life.
i can only be joyful and whole
and that is why i dance.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:56 PM
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the time has come to be true to yourselfstop chasing dreams made for somebody else
life isn't always a series of greyscale clips
sometimes just a black-n-white still will fit
you don't have to stop to be able to breathe
or to see the colours that people claim you pass by
you just have to run at the same pace as those colours
simple physics - but then, that's the problem.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:44 PM
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Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Tuesday29.05.07
MYEs.
OK. so against all odds, i'm actually trying to study. i completed 3 questions of maths TYS before realising how stupid it is because i can't tell the difference between not knowing how to do the question because i haven't learnt it yet and it isn't tested, and not knowing how to do the question because i don't know how to do it because i'm stupid/i haven't revised that topic hard enough. rawr. nothing's on the blackboard (honestly, if it's there, we should use it, shouldn't we) and because i didn't pay adequate attention during maths lectures/tutorials, i have no idea what's tested and how to study for it. *is cross with self*
and that applies for physics, too, because i didn't listen well enough. chemistry at least i have old midyr's i can use, and i wrote down what's tested so i can go through the syllabus. but for maths and physics... i don't even have a textbook so i can refer and like try to understand what i'm supposed to have learnt (but obviously haven't due to the inadequate class attention). i can't believe that the first time i actually voluntarily look for the textbook because i can actually USE it because i NEED it, i realise i don't have one. bloody murphy's law. that goes for the physics textbook, too. which i realise, i have PAID for. but did not receive. i think. ARRGH.
maybe this is just the stress that's setting in now that i realise i am actually going to prove tradition and fail my midyear exams. even though i'm only taking two of them. even though i got to CHOOSE which ones i am to take, thereby minimising even further the chances of me failing them. OH GOSH help me. and i was stupid enough not to listen to yeow boon's logic about how we should not take maths at mid year because maths mye is the killer paper and so we should just bank on the not-so-killer eoy to get us through. OH kill me. and can you believe that it's not even june and i'm already stressing about my end-of-june myes? waha see what JC does to you. completely brings out and yet also completely kills the slacker in you. at the same time. glory hallelujah.
oh speaking of which, i'm actually quite excited about church camp, although obviously i'm acting like i think the entire thing's a drag for my camp-chairman mum's benefit. XD no, it's not supposed to make sense. haha. but i don't feel like doing the mass dance. RAWR. i should not have agreed to it. =( haha oh well. guess i'm stuck doing it. maybe i can do some couple dance, i'm sure the adults will be more couple-ish than the youths. or maybe not. no idea. lol.
okay back to the mye problem. how am i going to study for it? what's the syllabus? how do we prepare for it? someone enlighten me please =)
That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 7:58 PM
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Tuesday29.05.07
Live while you live.
They say that if you do not enjoy what you're doing, you'll never be good at it. But that's not true. Because you can hate chem and still be a good chemist, hate netball and still be a good player, hate dancing and still be a good dancer. It is untrue, because you can hate what you are doing and still be good, even very good, at it.
But it is true that if you do not enjoy what you are doing, you will never be great at it. Because the difference between those who are very good and those who are great is not just their talent, but their will. And if you hate what you are doing, how can you have the will to excel at it?
Posted by nayrakroarual at 5:25 PM
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Sunday, May 27, 2007
Saturday26.05.07
POTC3 and Mark's 17th birthday.
worship practice in the morning was cool. i love claire and marcus. especially claire. and marcus. they rock completely! claire is so gorgeous she's thought me a LOT about worship leading, and well having her (or shaun) on the team just makes things SO MUCH smoother its like ohmygosh GOD THANK YOU FOR GIVING THEM SO MUCH TALENT =) !! haha and marcus! he's seriously improved so so so much since when i first became a worship leader and he first joined worship team and we were the second sunday batch. haha =) he's super good now la! yay i love them.
and after worship prac marcus went to watch macbeth. which i saw last night. ahha.
went to watch POTC3 with the netballers. i spent quite a lot of the show wishing it would be over soon. which i tend to do for a lot of non- chick flicks. but in the end it was a good show though. yup. besides the fact i completely didn't get what was going on. huh. oh well.
then went for mark's birthday dinner. yay mark rocks! =) haha and michelle pamela and i took neoprints with him after that, because he wanted to. and he paid. =) the only thing i have against neoprints is they make you seem bimbo and they cost a lot. other than that they're really very fun to take and decorate haha *beams* and i look better on neoprints than normal photos. and i can't read japanese. haha. yayyy neoprints! =P
and mark and i cam-whored while waiting for my dad. yeah i know, MY dad. =P thank you for waiting mark.
and i talked to mel tonight! but she had to go off before i told her about her birthday present which i have but have not sent and am deciding whether to send. =P
yay i shall go to sleep. good night =)!
ps. i love you mark! happy birthday! haha
Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:12 AM
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Tuesday, May 22, 2007
i just want to go to sleep. and not wake up again.is that so hard? rawr.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 7:43 PM
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go away, world.Posted by nayrakroarual at 5:07 PM
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Saturday, May 19, 2007
Friday19.05.07
Just because you wish for something with all your heart
doesn't mean you'll get it
But when you wish for that one thing
and don't get it, what stays is the sting
Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:45 AM
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Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Tuesday15.05.07
=)
!! yay!
You know, i always rejected the whole "God gives us bad times so that we remember him and don't just go our own rebellious ways" thing. Because i always felt so much "better" with God (like He's looking after me, etc) when good things happened. Like today! i've been going through this whole "i'm too tired and sian and upset to worship and even care that i'd go to hell if i died right now (even though i will care if i really do die now)" phase, then something good happened and now i'm like YAY =) THANK YOU DADDY GOD *beams* haha so hm doesn't quite make sense. But then I realise it's also through these "trials" that we really get strengthened and learn alot - of course i'd prefer not this way, but you take what you can get, and what's most effective, right? Humility is learnt after pride takes a fall (many, many times, unfortunately. well i'm trying to learn.) and resilience is learnt when surrounding support gives way. i still haven't quite found the loneliness cure (i know it's supposed to be God but sometimes it doesn't quite seem to cut it when you feel like all your friends have abandoned you lol) but oh well.
i'm babbling! =) oops.
i want to change my blog template and start the posts from scratch but i'm not quite sure how without deleting this blog. someone help me? =)
Posted by nayrakroarual at 10:46 PM
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Monday, May 14, 2007
Monday14.05.07
Donate generously to the Get Laura A New MP3 Because She Dropped Her Old One and it's Spoilt (GLNMBSDHOOS) fund today! =)
yeah. so i'm like music deprived. =( papa and mummy refuse to buy me a new one because my old one was pretty new and very expensive. sigh. sadness. i'm trying to decide if it's worth spending all my savings on a new one. yeah okay i know it's not. actually i think it is. and it's really important. like how i don't want to go home because the bus ride sucks and i get terrible headaches and can't pretend to sms the whole way. and because syf's over and netball hasn't restarted and i'm turning into a complete rebel slacker with regard to acads, i've gotten so much sleep i can no longer fall asleep during the monday and tuesday breaks i have that no one else does, nor on the bus rides home, nor during KI, which really tells you something.
speaking of which, i thought ki today was interesting. yay!
i like tsd. and the tsd people. i think they're really fun and great people man.
some things are better left unsaid.
Lorraine, Audrey, Mel, Hannah and Lorna are really nice. =) oh dear, though. i really want to get into dance exco really badly. but have a feeling might be disappointed again.
Some things are meant to be forgotten.
SYF student emcee auditions were fun. i know i won't get in, but it was cool anyway. we had to use a remote control as the mike. Charlotte, LiJia, Mansoor, Marc Oliver, Calista, Zara, Meiching, WeiAn, Laypeng, Britney, DeeJee, Rachel and yeah alot of cool people were there man. i'd never thought i'd see them there, but when i saw them there i knew they were there for the auditions too and i could totally see why they came. it was quite funny. they're all so good. but yeah it took super long. OH soccer boys won 4-0! yay soccer. saw nick and joel and roland and yonghong play. and lorna's no.8 and mel's no.17. hahaha. ;)
thanks for making me smile.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:06 PM
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Saturday, May 12, 2007
Friday11.05.07
Dance Exco Speeches 07
Speeches today were not bad. really good, actually, but i thought mine wasn't that great =( boring and babbly. i nearly cried listening to. erm. charmaine melissa ningxi hannahtjoa weian audrey lorna ruiqi phoebe hannahwong lorraine jinghan me. yep. anyway, i nearly cried listening to audrey's and hannah tjoa's speeches, and everyone's speeches had bits that really rang true and i could see their passion for dance and all. well. almost all. anyway, i really wish there were more exco places. rawr. oh well...
thanks michelle so much for your help *hug* couldn't have done it without you!
agh. i'm worried.
oh tomorrow i've slot with dennis to work his ava lights. but because it's just lights and his is a monologue, it'll only take about half an hour, maybe less. -_- great huh. i have to drag myself one and a half hours to school and one and a half hours back from school in the middle of the day (literally) for a 25min session. wish i had other stuff to do there, at least it wouldn't be so pointless. haha. oh well. at least i'm doing something. i hate being a useless crew member, which i fear i am for steph =( because i was stupid enough to miss the first meeting and thus get into her black books.
but thanks be to God for pulling me through the speeches and all. =) as phoebe would say, thank you Daddy God.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:22 AM
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Thursday10.05.07
I take bus 48 all the way to the end of the line, which is really good because i'm often really tired when i take the bus back home and i tend to sleep and miss my stop and end up in jurong east or clementi or something. so it's good that when people have to wake me up at least its still the correct stop. So anyway, today i was taking the bus back as usual, and i realised i was the last one on the bus (that happens alot, although the reverse also happens alot too. about 50-50%). then as the bus drew to a stop i realised i wasn't the last one cos there was this guy hunched up a couple of seats ahead, sleeping. i was like looking to see if he'd wake up and like wondering whether i should go wake him up. the bus driver half came out of his seat, then saw me and sat right back down -_- so obviously i had to wake the poor guy up. so i kind of walked over and poked him in the shoulder (hey, i was carrying my file and jacket and all okay) but he didn't wake up, even when i said "excuse me" pretty loudly (this is the problem with listening to mp3s). so i poked him again, harder. he like moved because i poked him, but not otherwise. it occurred to me that he might have died on the bus and i was trying to wake up a corpse. which wasn't altogether a very pleasant thought. so i grabbed his shoulder and SHOOK it and he miraculously woke. to my relief. i had no intention of touching anything dead, besides a mosquito i kill if i see. haha he was from tj can. which is like. FAR. and i felt quite sorry for him cos i think he overslept a LONG way haha and the first thing he did was cross the road to the bus stop at the other side so obviously he'd overslept his stop.
see. so everyone should take buses to the end stops. haha.
i'm really freaked about dance exco speeches tmr. it really means alot to me, whether i get into exco or not. sigh. relaxxxxx laura =(
Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:07 AM
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Sunday, May 06, 2007
Sunday06.05.07
Bored.
OK the thrill of being free has OFFICIALLY worn off. actually, it wore off sometime in the afternoon yesterday slightly after lunch, but nevermind. i mean honestly, i have no talent for searching for interesting stuff to do, okay? youtube hates me, so does google, and my carefully cleaned up room yesterday (yes, tells you how bored i was) is back to it's normal state. wow. well, i havent quite progressed to the do-work stage of bored, though. i'm hoping it'll hit sometime tmr, and then i'll really be on my way somewhere constructive. lol. all those people out there who wonder why i take on so many activities, this is the source of my weakness. yep. oh, that and the fact i fall in love with things quite often, and out of love with them not so often. like how i'm still sort of pining away for the rock wall. lol. DESPITE acrophobia, yes.
| You Are More Yang |
 Creative Angry Spring Summer Morning Sun Space Active Wood Chocolate |
-_- wow. i totally love being masculine and angry. see, i really AM bored, i'm taking stupid blogthing quizzes. LOL. still slightly upset about the whole i'm irritating thing, but well not much i can do about it at the moment. i'll just keep my mouth shut tomorrow. *beams* hope if works.
yay, seeya!
Posted by nayrakroarual at 9:46 PM
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Saturday, May 05, 2007
Friday05.05.07
First Free Friday.
actually it's first free saturday, but friday continues the alliteration. lol.
ASK ME WHAT I HAVE ON TOMORROW.
NOTHING! yayyyyyy =) *beams*
i have a lot of phobias, i think. like the whole acrophobia and scared-of-the-dark and spider-phobia and other usual stuff, but then there's the monophobia which is stupid and phobia of having nothing to do which is just so much more than stupid there's no word for it. but yeah that's why i've always had more than once cca. even since primary school. and so even though i'm glad for a break, finally, i still wonder all the time. what do you do if you've no cca? week in, week out, you go back, watch tv, study? or go out with friends? hang about? i don't get it. maybe it'd be different if i had friends i hung out with more. hm. well, just wondering.
it's quite irritating when someone talks to someone or about someone on their blog or in real life but they don't want to explicitly say the name and all. i mean, it's practical in the self-conservation sense, but not really in the helping-them-improve sense. like clayton said that time, we shouldn't be afraid to say names and really point the comments to the people because that's really when things get done.
well, sort of. it's not like i pinpointed that comment at anyone. lol. i guess self-preservation always ranks first. today i heard "alot of people", "ips and non-ips", and "almost the whole class" find me damn irritating. like they hear my voice they get irritated already. heh. i knew alot of people don't like me, but it still kinda hurts to hear how irritating you can be to them. and the thing about such things is that i don't know how to change because the very essence of me is just so repulsive to them already. AND, i don't know who "them" is. just "alot of people", "ips and non-ips" and "almost the whole [of my] class". i mean. if there's one thing i really don't want to be, it's irritating. and insensitive. I-words. lol.
this is quite a random post. i don't really like random posts. i bet most people hate reading them. but they serve as an outage for the jumbled mess in my mind. so, whatever. yay *happy*
mr chang does a lot of funny things. never fails to make me shake my head in speechless disbelief. and i suck at paying attention in lectures. haha.
Gifts and Curses =)
Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:01 AM
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Thursday, May 03, 2007
Thursday03.05.07
First and last time i'll ever be the best speaker of a debate. lol. not that we won interhouse debates, all the same. after all, i don't REALLY believe this house should ban fried food in school.
I've got it all, but I feel so deprived/I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside!/Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing/And why can't I let it go?!/There's gotta be more to life/Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me/Cause the more that I'm tripping out thinking there must be more to life/Well it's life, but I'm sure/there's gotta be more/Than wanting more/.../I'm searching for something that's missing/i'm wanting more/I'm always waiting on something other than this/Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed.....
I know, it's no big deal. It's important, but you'll survive no matter what.
okay say that again, laura. this time, say it like you believe it.
omg you slacker.
hi honey! HAHA.
do i make sense? err. cos i'm not supposed to. *beams*
Posted by nayrakroarual at 10:03 PM
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Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Tuesday01.05.07
I hate this! all the mask work we do, without even realising it. or maybe we do realise it, but we can't help it anyway, or we choose to do it anyway. who am i to judge? after all, it's not like i know what they're thinking. goodness, i'm not even close enough in their world to even UNDERSTAND what it's like for them. it's like i'm behind this one way mirror, and i can see them and hear them but they can't see me or hear me. and i don't understand what they're talking about because i can never get close enough, but i can see them and i can just get so jealous and envious i could cry. i've never been there, accepted, in, whatever you call it, and i'm tired of trying. tired of pretending to myself i am, tired of pushing myself forward so that i'm marginally in, tired of forcing myself into other people's company when it's obvious they don't want me there. tired of trying to play the strong christian, straight-A student. tired of being a despo piece of shit.
grow up, laura.
the face is the place, indeed. it's like everyone puts on these fake faces, and i can see past them to the bitchiness behind, but i can't see past that to the real inside, and i'm not even sure there's a third layer inside behind the bitchiness anyway. the face is the place, like how i had to dress up today even though i really wanted to just wear a shirt and slacks, because i knew everyone else would be really dolled up and looking great, and looking like it was totally effortless while i struggle into my nice jeans and earrings. it's so judgemental, put one toe wrong and that's it, you're out. not that you were in anyway, but i do prefer being ignored and forgotten to being dissed. then again, at least then i'd be noticed, right?
maybe it's the whole monologue thing. i was such a horrible character, but deep down inside, that's why i chose that monologue, because i suspect that deep down, way inside, i'm like that. just some cold aloof character who's forgotten how to feel because it hurt too much, who kills others to ease her own pain, who just desperately cries out for someone, somewhere, to understand. i just want someone to notice me, she cries. well, i can identify. and now, i'm just finding it so hard to put on that hot stuffy difficult mask again now that i've let it down before.
I'M JUST SO TIRED OF WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHERS WILL SAY!
forget it. i don't have to explain myself to you, and i'm not going to. think what you like, say what you like. i know the truth, and that's good enough for me. and i know i won't feel like this tomorrow, or even just later, when i get out of the solitude of my room and meet you all. the masks will all be there, and my own will slip right back on. albeit uncomfortably.
for now, whatever to you.
there are so many ways to say the same thing, but sometimes there's no way to say the one thing that matters.
and sometimes it all doesn't matter because it's not said anyway.
oooh. teenage angst. hits you like a blast.
