Sunday, July 29, 2007

http://www.toysforyourblog.com/games/bigred/

haiwei got me hooked. LOL. it's super funny though.
but he also said something:

The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

;)

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:38 PM

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Saturday, July 28, 2007

there isn't a word or phrase for what i'm feeling now, and although i'm sure if i put my mind really to it i would be able to churn out something, it would contaminate the feeling (not such a bad thing, actually) and reshape it to something new, PLUS be misinterpreted by others and all. also, i'm not awake enough to do that (disadvantage of blogging at night).

maybe a cross between guilt, regret, helplessness and hope.

i'm not being emo i'm not being emo it sounds like i am but i'm not i'm fine and happy =) just smile at me i live on all your smiles though i bet you don't realise it

that sounded weird. take it with a pinch of salt. ;)

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:52 PM

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Friday, July 27, 2007

Safe upon the solid rock the ugly houses stand:
Come and see my shining palace built upon the sand!

it's friday, and i'm sick. WONDERFUL. i'm not even sick enough to legitimately skip school, but as you can see i'm doing that anyway. at least, thanks to haiwei, i'm not sicker than i am now. THANK YOU HAIWEI =) haha his jacket like totally saved my life yesterday. lt1 has some SERIOUS aircon problems man. *sniffs* stupid nose! and stupid throat! plus today's the last workshop on classical acting so i can't afford to miss it ARRGH =( and college day rehearsal and SIGH okay i shall stop whining and go do something constructive. which reminds me, eom's still not done.

on the bright side, tomorrow there's habitudes (and dinner after that, i think =)) on the down side, i'm not feeling well and i'm gonna dance horribly for college day and not be myself at habitudes cos of that. and i can't have guitar lesson AND probably ballet lesson too on sunday because i'm going for some musical. on the bright side... wait, what bright side?

haha. oh, the horrors of feeling unwell. charmaine, audrey, hope you're feeling better!

Posted by nayrakroarual at 9:37 AM

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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

by some not-so-amazing and rather-expected feat, my handphone bill shot past a hundred this recent last month. this, my mother put forth rather sternly, was on account of my sms-count exceeding the two-thousand mark. i must say, i found this news rather impressive even for me because i usually exceed my bill by only about $20. (i know this because i used to have to pay it). considering that i only have 500 free sms-es and another 500 free to singtel customers only, and people like dom and daniel are under m1, the blame seems justly placed on my sms-es. thank goodness lucinda and haiwei are singtel people. lol. so anyway, i have been cutting down. horror of horrors, i calculated i can safely sms only about 10 a day. haha. considering for a few days last month i was sms-ing a hundred or more a day, i must say i'm not altogether surprised that my mum's rather upset about my bill. but sigh! i don't know how i survive without lecture entertainment ;) oh well...

haha today i didn't really miss the sms-ing much. partly because i'd been little miss procrastination again and only started doing EoM (draft 1, when the draft 2 is due today) at 1230am this morning. by 3am, i still had barely 100words, and mostly lifted (i have a great attention span, don't i)! anyway, i just went to sleep but was totally zombi-fied today. collasped in the costume room after tsd, and unfortunately (and only half intentionally) by the time i came to again, it was halfway through physics lecture. so, guess what? that's right. i slept on. haha. woke up in time for maths, thankfully. ^^ and amoudtha was nice enough to lend me her lecture notes and all. =) yay thanks amu!

physics spa was fun, it really woke me up. i love spa! to think i used to hate practicals. =) now it's like the high points of my week. lol. doesn't hold a candle to habitudes or guitar lesson or church or bs though, of course. after physics, had college day rehearsal. it was just rather time-wasting and boring. not as bad as slotting, though. the strap of my top broke while i was going into the first pose onstage, but THANK GOD the top is tight so it didn't drop. i felt really insecure, though, so i exited later in the wrong direction and put my shirt back on again. came out during the celery but collided into wanyoong =( in the end it was okay, though. nothing big, just that i'm kinda lost as to how to reattach the strap safely, again. plus i'm quite upset that we're performing at 430pm this sat so not only is there no way i can escape college day, i will be late for habitudes. sigh.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 8:43 PM

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Tuesday, July 24, 2007

i hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene...

hm. i think the trick is not to care. because if you don't care, you don't hurt.
do you think?
i mean, i'm kinda sad about like all the stuff i know i'll be like missing, but not like i was really included in it all and everything.
and i know you think it's like me being emo and like angsty but yeah at the moment i don't care much
or at least i'm trying to kid myself that i don't, so just let me live in denial here, NOBODY do anything to break the illusion alright..
the whole don't-care thing helps if you extend it to cover most of your life, so it's kinda like a live-for-yourself thing. which is like totally miserable i agree
but not as miserable as tagging along others trying to pick up pieces of yourself and fit into the jigsaw puzzle that's already complete.

i want not to care but i still do
i want it not to matter but it still does to me
i want to hate you half as much as i hate myself
it would hurt less not to remember the friendship we once had
and still love you for it

aww, emo. =) this is dedicated to my mum, who taught me exactly how to watch everyone, including yourself, so that no mistake is uncatchable and forgivable, and to my absolutely wonderful friends, without whom i would be both a lot happier and a great deal sadder.

see, so emo. haha. i'll probably take this off in a day or two when i'm feeling better, but for now you can just skim over this entry 'cos i'm tired of trying to make sense to people.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:01 PM

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*secretive smile*

Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:06 AM

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Sunday, July 22, 2007

worship was a nightmare. mostly my fault for not remembering the slides. what kind of worship leader forgets to bring the slides 2 months in a row? sigh. i asked mum to bring it but then when i called at 945 i panicked cos marcus was late but as he pointed out, he wasn't late for worship per se, he arrived at 9. we were supposed to meet at 8, but i mean it wasn't life or death, like he forgot about worship altogether and didn't come church or something. i shouldn't have panicked. plus i was completely offset by the feed thing that was supposed to come from the sanctuary because i hadn't known about it, so not only had i completely structured my worship wrongly, the entire concept and theme and target audience was wrong too. which i totally hated. sigh. the worst part is i know i didn't glorify God as i should have, which i feel the worst about because i was too busy worrying about all these little things and let them affect me and yeah didn't focus on worshipping him, which was what i should have done. i realised this halfway through the worship, but i was already so nettled and all it didn't help much. almost cried a couple of times, but i don't think anyone saw so it's okay. =( sorry, Daddy God.

after church wasn't great either for 3 main reasons:
1. i realised vic's leaving tomorrow. so fast! =(( haven't even gone out w her or talked to her properly sigh =(
2. there was no guitar lesson. rui wasn't in church (overslept or something? or like family didn't come or something) dom was at the same race papa was at (some 10k thing) and marcus had to go meet his friend. so jasmine and joanna and i just left.
3. we didn't go for bs lunch. which could have totally saved the day but haha anyway we had a nice lunch at hans so oh well.

then i went to watch the VJD hiphoppers at suntec (the team comprising weian, jinghan, charmaine, jaslyn, doreen and sheena) and they did really really well! i saw styles from beyond (the dancefloor group) there too, they were really good! but vjd didn't win anything =( which is so dumb because they were so good especially compared to like the winning group. oh well haha.

all in all, not the best day. *shrug* i'll survive. hahaha. haven't we all survived before?



something i keep noticing over and over again everytime i watch people perform. it's like when they dance, and they somehow grow bigger, greater than what they really are, even if they're not that good dancers and all, it really shows, and as the dance ends and they slowly stop moving and go back into their normal selves, you can see them shrink back into who they normally are, from that something larger that they were part of a moment ago. it's quite cool really. and that's why i love dancing. because when i'm performing on stage, i cannot judge, i cannot hate, i cannot separate myself from life. i can only be joyful and whole, that is why i dance.

to dance is to be out of yourself, to be larger, more powerful, more beautiful. this is power, it is glory on earth and it is yours for the taking.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 9:33 PM

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Thursday, July 19, 2007

laura: the crush will wear off. i think.
mel: i think so too.
*pause*
mel: unless you fall deeper.
laura: =/

when they talk about how great it is to fall in love, they never mention how painful it is when you hit the ground. they never mention the people who helped break your fall, and the people who just stood and let you crash and laughed.

for the record, i'm not emo, and i'm not in love. i'm just thinking. yay.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:17 PM

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today i was reading 'The Art of Worship' by Greg Scheer, this really good book on leading worship and structuring the worship of a church given to me by zhenhao. (actually it was given quite a while back, earlier this year, but yeah i'm sad to say i only read the first chapter or so up to now. even now, i'm not quite halfway through yet.) anyway, just thought this was quite funny:

Just Different

a farmer was in the city on business one weekend. while he was there, he attended one of the city's churches. upon returning home, his wife asked him what it was like at the city church.
"oh, it was a lot like our country church, except that instead of hymns they sang these things called 'praise choruses'."
"praise choruses? what are those?" asked his wife.
"well, they're sort of like hymns, just different."
"different how?"
"well... sort of like this. if i said, 'martha, the cows are in the corn,' it would be a hymn.
"now if i said, 'martha, martha, martha, the cows, the white cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the cows, the cows, the cows are in the corn, in the corn, the corn. oh martha, the cows are in the corn,' that would be a praise chorus!"

that same weekend, a businessman was in the country and went to a country church. upon returning to the home, his wife asked him how the service was.
"oh, it was pretty much the same as ours, except we sang hymns instead of praise choruses."
"hymns?" his wife replied. "i think my mother told me about those! what were they like?"
"oh, sort of like a praise chorus, just different."
"different how?"
"well, if i were to say, 'mary, the cows are in the corn,' that would be a praise chorus.
"on the other hand, if i said, 'O mary, wife of my youth with whom i shall all of my days abide, incline thine ear and hearken unton my cry! for the cows of varying shades and hues - who can explain their ways? have left the fields in which they graze and have traversed yonder into the fields of golden corn that gleam in the sun,' that would be a hymn!"

haha quite interesting, isn't it? so aptly highlights the differences between our contemporary praise & worship songs and traditional hymns, and how both are good and bad in their own ways. praise & worship songs go for repetition of one central idea, driving it home to the worshippers' minds but also repeting itself with little real substance, while hymns aim to develop a broad topic, expounding on the individual details and creating a lot of substance that nevertheless complicates the lyrics and central idea considerably. so both have their pros and cons, which is why, especially in SoC, worship leaders are careful to pick a mix of both genres and then some songs in between too.

hm. interesting. =)

Posted by nayrakroarual at 8:49 AM

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Tuesday, July 17, 2007

You take a seat right next to me
And i take my lit notes nervously
I've gotta stay calm
I don't want this to change

I am always daydreaming
Hoping you've dreamt of the same thing
I've gotta stay calm
I just want you to stay

I've been assuming everything
Hoping you'll soon mean everything
I've gotta stay calm
I want this to be real

I don't think you're into me
But truely thats okay with me
I've gotta stay calm
And find out how you feel

So if you wanna say 'I-I-I like you'
I might feel just like you
If you choose, choose not to
I knew, knew you would

Sometimes I think I am out of my league
And then sometimes I think I can dream
Sometimes I wish I could be the one fish
That you choose out of all in the sea

We are non existant
But i'll try to be persistant
I've gotta keep on if
I want to be close to you

I know you're uninterested
I'm probably just some stupid kid
I could give up
If you would want me to

But if you wanna say 'I-I-I like you'
I might feel just like you
If you choose, choose not to
I knew, knew you would

Sometimes I think I am out of my league
And then sometimes I think I can dream
Sometimes I wish I could be the one fish
That you choose out of all in the sea


this is such a cute song. no, it's not emo. and yeah it's kinda stupid but so cute haha it sounds really cute when you listen to it lol =)

Posted by nayrakroarual at 10:26 PM

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Monday, July 16, 2007

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same

But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day

Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of the night in June
I didn't know much of love, but it came too soon

And there was me and you, and then it got real blue
Stay at home talkin' on the telephone and
We would get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair

And this is how it feels

As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We will still be, friends forever

So if we get the big jobs and we make the big money
When we look back now, will that joke still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule

Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

And this is how it feels

As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We will still be, friends forever

We will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men

Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We will still be, friends forever


VITA was nostalgic. inspiring. subtly psyching us to work harder. but still encouraging. our class is very whiney. lol. but yeah, i miss them a lot. i miss learning together as a class, learning from each other and with each other, the teachers, the lessons, the breaks, the school life... okay haha shall not elaborate cos i'd rather not think so much about it. nostalgia turns too fast into regret.
isn't it funny, the song goes "as our lives change, from whatever/ we will still be, friends forever", but as i listen to it and they sing over and over, it's like they're saying instead "will we still be, friends forever?" three answers i know: no, i'm not sure, maybe.


sorry, i forgot the fourth answer: i hope so.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:13 PM

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Sunday, July 15, 2007

the reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.

interesting. very true, too. gotta look on the bright side of life =) even when you think there isn't one!
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today i woke up on time. but AS USUAL, my father decided to leave EARLY so i had to RUSH out of the house without the time to find my bs materials or comb my hair (daniel didn't even wash his face or teeth HA so when he suaned me about always being the last out i just told him at least i'm hygenic) and i forgot my jacket and my strings but i rushed back in to get my strings so that i wouldn't be guitar-less for ANOTHER week and then i missed the lift and would have run all the way down the stairs (ten storeys!) except that i was in heels -.- smart right. sigh.
haha.

worship was nice! yuki chooses really nice songs =) haha HOLY IS THE LORD! (..God Almighty/ the earth is filled with His glory/ holy is the Lord God Almighty...) yayy plus HOSANNA =D plus err somemore i can't remember. oops. lol yay! there was this guy sitting behind me who was new (mark hoon brought him, i can't spell his name =P) hope he comes next week! yay so fun.

bible study was quite good too. learnt a couple of good things about peace as defined the world and the bible. i really must pay more attention during bs. also i need to start doing my bs. i felt SO BAD i didn't do it this week *wince* i know i don't do it all the time but i really wanted to start doing consistently and all, but yeah i didn't even bring it today! =( sorry dom and josh i'll do it next week!

after church had guitar lesson! *beams* i love guitar lesson. just marcus (who fell asleep by mistake and didn't come to church today LOL) and rui and joanna and jasmine and me and recently dom and maybe a couple of others and the guitars and chords and working to get everything right =) it's.. stressful yet peaceful at the same time. stressful because everyone else is so good and i'm so lousy X( haha and peaceful because you can just focus on learning to play the guitar and singing and strumming together (when they pluck i can't really follow LOL so yeah just strumming together hahahaha) and yea it's like for a little while you break away from the outside stress. a bit. =)

after lunch joanna and i ate lunch together at tekka mall. got lost on the way there. LOL. that girl is so funny when she's trying to decide what to do.

then went swimming with mel and luc. *glares* i got stuck with the bikini. SIGH. but it's given me more incentive to work out. haha. okay not really. oh well. it's so evil of them to put a weighing machine in the toilet. then you weigh youself and feel sad. somemore dancers can never be too light, and only rarely be too skinny. neither of which i am. =( nevermind i'm working on it! haha. like real =P

okay, that was a pretty boring post. =) oh well, it's a relatively happy post! so nevermind, YAY! haha.

i love you. goodnight ^^

Posted by nayrakroarual at 9:30 PM

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Thursday, July 12, 2007

today david whined and wheedled until we all went to chua chu kang swimming complex to swim for mum's birthday.
.
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people, situations and just life in general is stunningly like the Lazy River. you know, that stream of water that just flows in a loop and you sit on round floats on top of it and slowly drift around. it doesn't push particularly fast, and in fact it's really mild, just gently nudging you along in the direction they want you to go. that is, it's mild until you try to stand your ground and go against the flow. then, BLOODY HELL it's one tough struggle. it's just so much easier to go with the flow, to just seeming go faster and accomplish more, but in actual fact you aren't really going anywhere if you just drift along without really thinking about where you're going. and it's really hard to get out of it, because the current just nudges you on and on in that circle and it's so tough to stand your ground/ go against it.

to get out, you must wait for the opportune moment. like in the lazy river, it's well nigh impossible to just scramble out as and when you want, because the current is really so strong. but there are little entry and exit points along the way, you just have to look out for them.

also, you need to be prepared. you can't just drift along, spot the exit point and exit. chances are you'd be too far away to get across, or you'd be a fraction too late and miss it. you need to look ahead and prepare what you need to do, being focused on what you want. you cannot just suddenly decide you want to take a stand and anyhow attempt to take one. it won't work.

thirdly, you need the strength/ skill. to fight the current, you need strength and knowledge, because without that you will be weak and fall and the current will just continue to sweep you along and away.


interesting. people are so mild, and you don't even realise how strong they are until you go against them

Posted by nayrakroarual at 10:05 PM

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Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:27 AM

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Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Girl I love to watch you
You're like candy to my eyes
Like a movie that you've seen
But you gotta watch just one more time
But that smile you're wearing
It's a beautiful disguise
It's just something you put on to hide the emptiness inside
And you seem so lonely
But you don't have to anymore

If you're a heart without a home
Rebel without a cause
If you feel as though
You're always stranded on the shore
Like a thief in the night
Let me steal your heart away
If for reasons, what you're looking for
I'll be yours
I'll be yours

You need a new sensation
One you never had before
I got a feeling if I gave you some
You'd probably want some more
Did you know that
You're the bluebird in my sky
I only wanna make you happy cause
I love to see you fly
And if you feel lonely
You don't have to anymore

If you're a heart without a home
Rebel without a cause
If you feel as though
You're always stranded on the shore
Like a thief in the night
Let me steal your heart away
If for reasons, what you're looking for
I'll be yours
I'll be yours

I'll be the raft in the tide
I'll be yours
I'll be the truth in the light
And what's more
When no one opens the door
I'll be the hope that you're looking for

I'll be yours...


haha so nice if a guy sings something like that to you. yeah, i know. but i can still dream, can't i. =P
.
.
.
SO MANY PEOPLE ARE UNHAPPY ABOUT IT. WHY ISN'T SOMETHING BEING DONE TO CHANGE IT?!?!?!?!
i don't get it.
but then again i also don't have the passion or the strength to face it, to change it.
God, give me the strength i need, show me what i need to do!

take me
mould me
use me
fill me
i give my life to the Potter's hand
call me
guide me
lead me
walk beside me
i give my life to the Potter's hand

i want to run to the altar
and catch the fire
to stand in the gap between the living and the dead
give me a heart of compassion
for a world without vision
we will make a difference
bringing hope to our land

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:52 PM

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Friends are the people you feel safe around because you know they care about you. They tell you the truth, the first time, and you do the same. You know that if you have a problem, they are there to listen.

Friends are the people who won't laugh at you or hurt you, and if they do hurt you they try hard to make it up to you. They are the people you love, regardless of whether you realize it.

Friends are the people you cried with when you got rejected from colleges and during the last song at the prom and at graduation. They are the people that when you hug them, you don't think about how long to hug and who's going to be the first one to let go.

Friends stick with you and stand by you. They hold your hand. They watch you live and you watch them live and you learn from them. Your life is not the same without them.

=)

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:34 PM

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Monday, July 09, 2007

i believe i've mentioned this a gazillion times, and i also believe it's not very smart of me to have mentioned it even once. but I LOVE MY LOVELY SENIORS. i.e. KOK JUN, JANE, YING, GRACE, johnny. they all seriously rock, being understanding and friendly and caring and reasonable and non-panicky and non-tantrum-y and just NICE in general. actually all (ok most) of the seniors i crew for are nice - mostly reasonable, at least, and mostly nice. steph's professional, kyna teaches you alot, dennis is accomodating plus doesn't slot a lot, zach i haven't actually slotted for yet, claire is funny. but the thing i love about kokjun jane ying and grace is that they don't just treat us as juniors, they treat us as people with lives and minds. especially people like jane who actually cares about us as friends not just slaves. i mean. do you have any idea how nice it is just to have her say "hey, you alright? you look kinda tired today" or like just laugh with you or whatever. =) some seniors really rock.

oh GUESS WHAT. i found zach's accoustic guitar =D ! it was tucked away in a dark VERY dusty and dirty corner of the ava. and i found out that li tian (some REALLY REALLY nice grand-senior who did sound last time) is a christian! 'cos i was kinda strumming zach's guitar and she helped me tune it, then later i was playing "blessed be your name" and she came over and started singing too =D so cool right! haha hurray for gorgeous christian seniors =D !! haha she's now studying theatre studies at nus. how cool is that. =D !!
.
.
.
tiredness is a state of mind. exhaustion is when your mind can no longer triumph over your body no matter how hard you try.
.
.
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i must try not to get irritated at people so easily. =) that shall be my goal for tomorrow. do not let the nerves get to you.
.
.
.
i know what i want to become,
but that's so unreachable i don't know how to start.
.
.
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haha i'm too tired to even wonder what you're doing now! goodnight world =)

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:50 PM

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Sunday, July 08, 2007

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces
And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
.
.
.


i want to paint my face and pretend that i am someone else
sometimes i get so fed up i don't even want to look at myself
but people have problems that're worse than mine
i don't want you to think i'm complaining all the time
and i hate the way you look at me - i have to say
i wish i could start over again.
sometimes i find myself shaking in the middle of the night
and then it hits me and i can't even believe this is my life -
but people have problems that're worse than mine
i don't want you to think i'm complaining all the time
i wish that everyone would go and shut their mouth
i'm not strong enough to deal with this.
i am slowing falling apart
i wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
not because i think you don't understand
i'm just tired of walking in them.

i want to go to sleep and pretend that i won't wake up...

Posted by nayrakroarual at 10:50 PM

0 Comments

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Wednesday, July 04, 2007

i'm really glad i went for prayer meeting today. i almost didn't go because i was quite tired after tsd and all but i just went anyway and it was really meaningful. it's really so good to remember that there's life outside that small little sphere that my life tends to enclose itself in, and to just meet with other brothers and sisters in christ and just focus on God and bring our needs to him together. it's wonderfully cleansing, and i'm just so reminded of how He is truly sufficient for us, and that we don't have to bear our burdens alone but that we can bring it to Him and be supported by his grace and each other's care and love. YEA =)

i've been thinking a lot about the friends i have now, and the company i keep. i'm really very thankful that even though i don't really like our youth or our church that much, there really are so many great people in our youth and they're just such great friends and people. it's why i haven't left orpc, because i know in another church i wouldn't know so many people, and, well, i just really love the people here. it feels like home. in school, too, i know some really great people and have some really nice friends. but i just don't have that same sense of security, maybe because i see so much of the backstabbing and drifting away and cliques (not like SoC doesn't have cliques, but yeah) that i just don't know who i can trust and depend on as much.

a large part of it is cos of all the politics in tsd. arts people tend to be more vocal, and at the risk of stereotyping, i'd also make the observation that that makes them more bitchy. after all, it is quite true. more liberal, definitely...

a few days ago, the observation was made that all tsd students are very vulgar. tanying agreed, saying that the whole culture of using the F word in every other phrase is just so rampant that after a while it's impossible not to get affected. she herself, being the last but one to succumb, finally did in the end. after a moment, she did remark that mel (from tsd, not church) is still not vulgar, though she thinks that that will eventually change. i didn't sign up for mel's crew, being uninterested in being a costume designer, and i'm not crewing for Titbits, so i don't really know mel, actually. but i saw her wearing this black t-shirt with a bible verse on it, and, taking a second look, saw that it was some youth camp shirt. then it just struck me - mel's a christian. =) apparently quite a strong one, from the looks of things.

haha. all the juniors love mel! (unless they don't know her at all, like me, in which case they only like, not love her) interesting how mels all seem to be so loved. haha. anyway, so it just hit me that day when i saw her wearing that shirt with a verse and everything on it that mel is one of the very few christians in tsd. honestly. there are a few catholics, but it just seems like there are so little christians. especially in the senior batch, at least. i know wanping and all are christian. christine, etc are catholic. jason's catholic, that time i told him i had church he asked "can't you go for evening mass?" haha which yeah kind of tells you he's catholic. plus how so many people slot on sundays...

i'm being affected by the culture, and i'm starting to think it's quite a negative effect. i need to make sure that i don't succumb to societal pressures but really stand strong for what i believe in and live out the hope that i have. haha. for example, whenever i trip, or bump into something, etc, i'll go "OWWW-FF-" and then i cut myself off just in time. that time when i was talking to timothy, then i was just using "damn" alot, and he didn't interrupt rudely or put me down but just commented casually that maybe i could use "very" instead of "damn" because it's the same meaning. it made me wonder. what's happened to me? last time i wasn't anywhere near this vulgar. i know everyone says that's mild already. and that "everyone says that". but that's not the point. it's what i should stand for, instead of just conforming to the society i'm surrounded with.

sigh. i don't know if i can hold on so long. i really admire mel now. she really seems to reflect that subtle light within, not just talking the talk but walking the walk. not all out boasting about her faith or whatever, but just living her life as one rooted in the faith, declaring her stand by how she acts and not what she says. that, that is what i want to be able to do. light of the world, salt of the earth. but you know what. i really don't know if i can do that. =/ in fact, i can't, i know i can't. i'll ask God for help. but even so, that little doubt lingers =(
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"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." -romans 3:23
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I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down

I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I'm not afraid
I want to be the girl I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness
Made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are
And who I am

All I've forgotten, help me to find
All that You've promised, let it be
In my life

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:18 PM

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Tuesday, July 03, 2007

if you are attached, is it still alright to go out alone with someone (not your gf/bf) of the opposite sex?
is it insulting to the guy to insist on paying?
looks first, or character first, usually?

today went cycling... well okay actually didn't go cycling. after slots, met lucinda and walked with her to the laguna food centre (bloody far from vj) to have dinner with mel (and ben and louis and tim and claire and kat and eug and vic and felicia and vic's fam, minus josh). after that tim sent claire and kat and i home. haha it's nice going out with guys who will send you home. XD

hm. a lot of food for thought.
i know guys who are gentlemanly enough to do the nice little things for you even when you're not their girlfriend (sms to check if you're home, walk/ send you back/ wait with you, etc). and i always found it so nice of them, especially since they're not obligated to do anything, because they're just being gentlemanly and nice in general. like being a gentleman is just part of their nature. and i know guys who are really nice to the girls they like (girls in general too, but especially the girls they like) to go all over the place to get stuff for them, travel just to meet them, spend a lot of time/money on them, etc.
it never occurred to me these things often change when you get attached, that once they get what they want they will just take it for granted or not bother as much, etc. timothy pointed out that when guys are trying to get what they want, they can be the nicest creatures on earth. and once they get it, they can just be among the worst.
honestly, i haven't seen that side of them yet. which, all things taken into account, is a good thing. i've seen the not-so-nice guys, but not the double-faced ones. well, some double faced. but not in that way. it's interesting to think about. how dangerous it is to think you know someone, and just to put your trust in them...

also, it's interesting how differently girls and guys see things. I KNOW, it's cliche, but really! every time i think i get it something comes up again and i realise i don't understand at all. guys are first attracted because of looks, then personality. girls it's first personality, then looks are like a bonus. SO cliched, but cliches are rooted in truth. also like how guys like to do big things, like pay for stuff or buy big things, etc, but to the girls it's the little things that matter, like calling to check if you're alright, doing small things for you like holding open doors, sending you back, making time for you.

speaking of which. lucinda was like opening the car door for ben. then she realised, "eh, i'm the girl. you're suppsoed to be opening the door for me!" and guess what she did THAT'S RIGHT hahaha that girl slammed the door shut again *bsh* hahahhahaha !! oman. it was like super funny la. ben was like "errr..." hahahahaha LOL lucinda lam you rock la!

another thought. my father put it very nicely when he said "you are more connected to the outside world than to your home when you're at home." the reverse is true to a certain extent: i'm more connected to home when i'm out than when i'm at home. the whole idea of technology and interconnectivity. truly, you can be in two places at one time now. like the samsung advertisement. haha. and yet, you can only ever be in one place, too.

oh well. just a thought.
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*profound thought XD* -------- i'll never be old enough until i'm too old...
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*random thought ;)* ------- i wonder what you're doing now? =)

Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:33 AM

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Babel

things to do before i die

.single en dehor pirouette en pointe
.pose pirouette en dedan en pointe
.play the guitar be able to play guitar for worship.
.lose 5kg
.a cartwheel without hands
.a front walk, back walk and round-off
.write a page in html
.paint a good picture
.eat Cold Rock ice cream
.go bungee jumping
.go sky diving

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