Wednesday, October 31, 2007

You know something. I'm afraid that online werewolf is taking over my life. It's kind of like when I started playing sudoku, or rubicks cube, or bridge. I visualise scenarios in my head, play them out differently, try and figure things out. Strategies and images and games just force their way into my head, and I get distracted because it's like half my mind is elsewhere when I try to do work. I dream about it, too. Well, not werewolf, but I know I will sooner or later. I dream about everything else.

Everyone else has said it, they know I'm an addict. Honestly, they couldn't be more right. I'm so addicted I'm irritated with myself. Arrgh. I need to stop this. There are so many more important things in life. I see them, I know them, I want to reach out and DO them. But somehow, I always lack the energy to get myself up and moving.

I'm scared, actually. Everything I've been working to build is gonna come crashing down just because I keep thinking I'll be okay and signing on yet another game "to fill free time" which is an illusion, because of course it's too much and of course I won't stop. Then, I worry about letting the other players down for poor participation, etc. It's like a viscious cycle that I SHOULD stop, know I must stop, but I just can't find the will to do so.

Another thing is I don't know what's happening to me this year. Likai told me he thinks I'm a loner. My first reaction was to laugh, because you're talking me here, the monophobic one, the one who can't survive without friends, the loud, outgoing YAY girl. And then I wanted to point out to him, "look who's talking??" And THEN I realised, he's right. Maybe not in our class now, but he has friends outside to hang out with, etc. Me, I just keep shutting myself off. I don't want to go out, I don't want to stay with people, I want to go home and be alone, do things by myself. What's happening to me?

I don't know why I am who I am anymore. And I don't like it.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 4:17 PM

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Friday, October 26, 2007

I will praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are, no matter where I am
And every tear I cry, You hold in Your hand
You never left my side, and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:21 PM

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Monday, October 22, 2007

I'm soooooooooooooo tired.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:05 AM

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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

It's over.

I learnt 4 things:

1. My parents rock. To the MAX.

2. Jared and I have a love-hate relationship. We never understand each other, always get irritated by each other, can't stand each other. We also understand each other pretty well, appreciate each other's talents, trust each other to a certain extent. It's most interesting.

3. PW sucks. Also to the MAX. GAhhHHH.

4. It's in times of difficulty when you want to turn to someone and cry, when you figure out who the people you really care about and who you really count on are. And sometimes that's a bit miscomforting.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 10:37 PM

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Friday, October 12, 2007

GAH. Boardgamegeek is down. I was trying to read the couples game in preparation for the partners game Vin and I signed up for. And I wanted to read the chatrooms of the village of seers. Sigh. I'm addicted, man. =)

Slept at 5am today. Later, actually - took ages to actually fall asleep. PW is such a sleep-stealer. So is werewolf, but at least werewolf is voluntary, pw is SO NOT. Laadeedumm. It's still down. Wonder how long it'll be down for.. hmph. No youth prog this sat, probably no ballet either. Well, at least there's class gathering. Maybe I'll teach them werewolf. LOL.

I'm BOREEEDDDD I don't even have msn on the school com, so yeah! GAH. 2 more hours til Chang can see us... probably more, he just started on the 2nd group and we're the 5th. Oh dear. =(

And I'm really hungry. Sheesh.

Okay I'm just upset about BGG I think. That and some other problems. I shall go do the impossible quiz or something and cheer myself up. Lol.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 9:47 AM

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Friday, October 05, 2007

You know, I just hate it when you go back to read someone's blog, or call someone you haven't spoken to/seen in forever, and it's GONE, and you realise that they've deleted their blog or changed their number and... basically, it's gone.

See, this is why I hate facing the past. Because I fear that once I've faced it, it'll fade away and disappear, and just leave me standing there - alone.

But this is also one of the times I'm just so glad to have a few really good friends. Whom I can trust, depend on, love. And whom I know trust, depend on and care about me.

I hope.. not sure about the 'depend on' bit. =P

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:37 PM

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Some dreams were just never meant to come true.


And through it all, green has so, so many different shades.

Are you happy, green-eyed monster?

Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:00 AM

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Monday, October 01, 2007

EXAMS ARE OVER. WE ARE FREE.

.

it's funny, how you always have a mental picture of someone in your mind, one defining moment that's set your perspective of him or her ever since. no matter how much they've changed, you remember that one moment for as long as you remember them - you probably continually bring it up til they're sick to the death of you repeating it, or else you never mention it to them at all.

hm.

.

she isn't online. i REALLY want to talk to her and she isn't online. GAH.

.

of all the people in the world today, i really didn't want to meet him. as i was leaving the house, i had this strange feeling that i'd meet him today, although there's no reason to and i don't normally, but i just thought of it somehow. and i hoped i was wrong because it would (partially) ruin my day. NO SUCH LUCK.

.

is this what it feels like to be old?

so tired, even though you slept at 11pm and woke at 7, breathing hard even though you barely ran 3k, hurting although you only did 20 push-ups, aching although you only did a 3/4 split.

oh drat, i'm not old, i'm just unfit. -_-

and for some reason, dead tired.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:06 AM

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Babel




things to do before i die