Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday29.03.07-0.8 hours to the nightmare.Actually, for such a busy person, i waste a disgusting amount of time updating my blog and reading other people's blogs. hm. just a thought.
Anyway, tsd today was fun like NOTHING omg it was damn cool. we did our usual 10-20-30-40% etc warmup thing, then he kind of made us work on emotions. like he would give us an emotion to display on our face, and when he said freeze (we were still moving around the room at 90%) we would freeze and show that emotion on our faces. The first emotion was hurt, i found it easy to relate to but was really worried about portraying it as i know my facial work and acting control sucks completely, having had such feedback before (in nicer words, of course). Then he moved on to add body (display the emotion with your face and body) and then voice (face, body and one line to display the emotion). It was super cool. From hurt, we moved to betrayal, by which time i was literally crying. Then excitement, which was fun, we all burst out laughing when he said that - release of tension HAHA =) then moved on to shock, irritation, annoyance and frustration which was REALLY easy to call up haha. next we did anger which i found quite difficult, i couldn't find a moment/imagine a scenario to pin it to. it was supposed to be really ANGER, you see, almost to breaking point. I could only get frustration and upset, but not anger. When Mr Jow pointed to me i couldn't think of a line to say that would come out true although i did manage to fake the face and body language, so i gave him this really desperate please-ask-someone-else-first look and he nodded understandingly and moved on. =) haha Mr Jow's nice. anyway the last emotion he said was "Love". We all burst out laughing/giggling/etc. He remarked it was funny how it was so easy for us to call up hate, anger, frustration, annoyance etc but so difficult for us to portray love. but i really really couldn't find a true Moment, and i'm quite sure he could tell. lol. Taariq's was really funny ("I-i -i really l-like you") and Jagraj's drove us into a bit of a shock until we interpreted it correctly ("I think i'm in love with her, dude!" rather than "I think i'm in love with you, dude!" LOL) Janet's and Shiangnee's were very *shudder*-worthy lolllll but quite nicely done, even if they DID say it in each other's direction *shudder* lol and serena's came out really naturally LOL. ;)
After that we continued moving (90%) then he asked us to find a partner and start a scene about a subject he would give. With different groups each time, we went through making friends, betrayal, shocking news ("Ms **** just slept with the principal!" "NO WAY!"), second chance (OH taariq johnny and shiangnee's group did it DAMN BLOODY NICELY! haha taariq was some guy who had hurt shiangnee or something - "please just let me talk to her" - and johnny kinda did the whole "you can't undo what you've done get away from her" thing, while shiangnee sort of turned away to the corner at your classic "just go away" role. haha i liked the effect desmond's jacket on her gave, somehow. and yes, i realise that wasn't really an intended effect lol.) haha at the end i was doing with serena for "devastating news". So i was like "you come up with the news k" and she was like "okay" and when it was our turn she went, "ohmygosh do you know geri just sprained her ankle before the first match?!" and it was completely easy for me to jaw-drop horror-voice "no WAY, are you serious?! what are we going to do?!" haha and we almost went into a whole team-crisis discussion haha it was quite funny really. thank goodness it's not true =) hahahahaha
okay now i'm so dead i need to sleep. haha. oops. =) sports day in thirteen hours! =(
Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:48 AM
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Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Tuesday27.03.07Start-week blues.When there was one person in the whole wide world you could run to at this moment and that person is 560km and two worlds away.
When everyone you thought you could count on you realise you can't go to, because it's not their fault it's yours, or you don't want to bother because they have their own troubles or you don't want ruin their lives as well.
When there is only one bright moment in your entire day, out of the 86400 moments there were.
When you, the person who can't stand holidays and counts down til school reopens, mourns the fact that 3 days remain til the weekend.
When these same three days seem like the longest time you've ever looked into, even though they're nowhere near long enough anyway.
When you, the person who had dry eyes for seventeen years teared three times in twelve hours.
When all the weight is crushing down and all the sides are pulling and pushing and you just can't not crack under the pressure.
One sms to sustain you. One person to stop you from losing your sanity completely.
That, and stolen kinder bueno and forbidden magnum.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:03 AM
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Saturday, March 24, 2007
Saturday24.03.07Some feelings are shared. Some experiences are chosen.girl is huddled on the couch, phone pressed to her ear.hi.
(pause) i...
(hesitant) i guess what i wanted to say was that i really miss you. i guess it's my fault, 'cause i don't call you or message you anymore, but...
(out in a rush) but i'm afraid you'll be busy. that's why i'm scared to talk to you, i'm scared that you won't have time to talk to me. it's not that i'll call when i'm down and i won't find you there... what if you're there but you don't want to be? that would hurt more than anything and i don't think i could take it. i'm sorry.
(lowers head sadly) i'm so pathetic aren't i? it's not even something big, not like a family crisis or something. i'd just like to hear your voice, just to hear you talk like i used to. i miss you so much. and even if you did say hi what's up, i wouldn't know what to say after that, the only words i have are i miss you and i still want to be your friend and please, please still be my friend. are you? aren't you? i pray desperately that the only reason you don't talk to me now is 'cause you feel just like i do, and not because you don't have time for me, or because you hate my guts.
(removes phone from ear. empty dial tone heard.)end.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 10:20 PM
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Saturday, March 17, 2007
Saturday17.03.07Have a KitKat.Twenty things I have done in the last two weeks:
- not gone home more than once
- slept in my sleeping bag for twelve nights
- gotten a back/neck ache as a result
- not used my own bathroom more than once
- gotta an outbreak as a result
- gotten frustrated at my stupid idiotic klutzy self
- become frustrated at my arm as a result
- learnt how to shoot (unfortunately, not reliably) with my left hand
- realised the importance of a functional elbow even in dance
- not talked to my family for more than one minute ("hi papa, thanks for coming to pick me up!" "mum, could you send me to school please?")
- missed my parents
- missed my brothers (okay that was definitely a first. well, maybe a second.)
- not talked to/communicated with michelle zhuang, michelle lim, may, jiaxin, lucinda, mel, mark, and a whole lot of other people that matter
- not attended lessons
- not seen/talked to my class (science OR tsd)
- not read my bible
- not gone to church
- not done my QT
- not gone for ballet
- not blogged
words cannot describe the feeling i am experiencing at this moment, but the closest would be something in between desperation, frustration, disappointment and exhaustion. oh, and determination. the next person to quote to me "jack of all trades, master of none" can just go and look for some new quote. that one isn't working on me.
3 things to say:
- leave it. people have a right to believe what they want to believe and do what they want to. don't try to force them to conform to yours. it's SO not about that.
- i feel like i'm born again, into the wrong place. i can't
belong here.
- i hate that.
1 thing to note:
.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:39 PM
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Monday, March 12, 2007
Sunday12.03.07Back to civilisation.sometimes you just wanna screamjust yell for the fun of itjust cry for the sake of it yell shut up
shut up SHUT UPthen you grit your teeth and pen it inreminding yourself to smile to keep quietwhile your heart cries itself outand your mind screams itself hoarseand then you go yay =)
well the IP3 Overseas Leadership Adventure Camp (what a mouthful) was quite fun. kayaking especially! and looking at stars an talking after the nightwalk =) and yeah in general it was great. it was really great kayaking (and gossiping ;) with shakura, hiking with eileen and joel (fuzzy wuzzy likes eileen and not joel!), talking with yirui shakura yijin, sleeping next to beatrice and sandra and having so much fun with all the girls up in the longhouse (i'm sorry but i did NOT enjoy sleeping in the tents at all), etc etc.. rafting was cool, field cooking was.. shall we say, an experience ;) hiking was interesting, kayaking tiring and super fun (NAZRI DIDN'T SAVE THE MISTER POTATO HAHA) and yeah in general it was cool. the bad thing was they kept running out of the good food by my turn in the queue, to say nothing of the morning milo. the trainers were really funny, and it was fun sitting and talking with eunice and christine and xinhui and all on the bus, at tables, etc. OH we played hai nan ji fan and mm chch mm ch and killer move and told jokes and riddles etc on the bus there! it was fun, with nazri aaron shakura ganesh eugene yvonne benjamin and aiyo alot of people la. yay! i think overall it was cool. besides missing my toilet and bed terribly. and getting incredibly dirty shoes. oh my stupid soles came out on the way to the waterfall. so i had to hike all the way down with no friction at all. it was stupid. but nevermind my shoes are sitting somewhere in malaysia now! haha threw them away, dumb things. alright i shall SLEEP before i die for dance/netball/housecomm camp. BYE!
Posted by nayrakroarual at 1:08 AM
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Monday, March 05, 2007
Monday05.03.07Friends?if you don't talk regularly, are you still friends?
if you haven't seen them in years, are you still friends?
if you haven't seen OR talked to them OR had any contact with them in weeks/months/years, are you still friends?
the worst part about having people you care about but aren't technically "close" to is that when they're hurting, you can't reach over to hug and comfort them
(literally, in some cases) because it would be presumptious to do so. or so you think, or so you
fear, anyway.
you want to ask if they're alright, to say take care, to somehow, someway, convey that you care. but you don't, because you
know they're
not alright, because you're way too late to say take care, and anyway even if you do what does it matter to them, what can you
do, really? you wish you had some way of telling them you still think of them, still care, still hope one day your paths with cross again, and that maybe what once was is not completely lost.
sometimes, it's not yet too late, you can still try to hang on, say hi, and slow the inevitable drifting apart. you can still stay in touch, stay friends - not as close as before, perhaps, but good still.
other times, you can no longer contact them (without being totally random or outoftheblue, anyway. sometimes it's even worse, you don't even have the option of being totally random or outoftheblue), no way of doing
anything - except pray, and hope, and wish.
well, for what it's worth. i still care. i hope
(pray, wish) it means something to you.
and to those new friends that inevitably take the places of the old
(or maybe, not quite), i care. just so you know. hope you're doing alright.
and while i can -
*hug*
Posted by nayrakroarual at 9:49 PM
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Saturday, March 03, 2007
Saturday03.03.07Change.The thing that hurts most is not the things that are said, but rather the fact that these things are, undeniably, true. These very things that somehow always hit the sore spots that you
know you should be improving but haven't quite or that you have been trying harder to improve (and obviously, not succeeding as much as you thought). Peer appraisal, indeed - despite the superficiality of it all, in the end, you realise that your peers
do know you, and see through the facades you put up to the ugly soul underneath.
So much for the "no one sees the real me". They see you well enough, too well. What is failing is
your sight. Your
insight, if i might be so bold to say.
Even when you flip backwards a few pages (knowing full well that there was a reason the editors put the areasofstrengths comments before the areasfordevelopment comments, and wondering if it would have made a difference had you not purposefully defied that order) to read the praise, it feels superficial and shallow - mere flattery, repeated before, that cannot ease the hurt laid open by the cutting, honest criticism.
ouch.
And even as you feel your mooden darken and the corners of your lips drag downward, you close the book and put it aside for another day's reflection. Knowing full well that you are turning away from the cutting remarks made, that slice to the essence and pull the rug of pride from under your feet, and yet being unable to face it anymore. Knowing full well, also, that this is not the least of your flaws, and acknowledging that (not lacking a sense of irony) this is one of the flaws pointed out that you are turning away from.
But then you turn back to your table, to the relief of not having to think (just
do) while studying and completing homework, and you resolve in your heart to
change these areas, to display the strive for excellence
that is your criticism and commendation both.
Change.Even the constant yays. (you smile wryly.)
One last thing to be dissatisfied about, even as you know the great value of such honest feedback, given partly due to the anonymity of the comments. Wishing that you knew who gave what feedback, or that the feedback at the very least was grouped into the 6 different peers. After all, reading one thing on one page and the exact contrary not two lines after is somewhat confusing. Perhaps it's the different perspectives, you wonder. It probably is, but that makes it kind of hard to change - you can't change both, after all.
One thing for sure:
Either way, you need to work harder.
Change.;)
Posted by nayrakroarual at 2:50 PM
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Friday01.03.07Emptiness.The tense lull before a storm.The bored hush during a TSD alevel prelim. (think outside LT5)The sorrowful silence after the hurricane has swept through the village. (think 24)How many sounds of quiet are there?About as many as there are shapes of boredom, and then some.
Today, shutupping, i lifted my head from gas laws (which is definitely just as easy as it sounds, considering i couldn't study properly anyway) to note the TSDians around me. Soong Ming walked past (with the rest of the senior class) and asked me why we were all glued to the walls. lol. i realise a lot of people don't realise what we're doing. Yirui said he thought we were memorising lines for seniors, which was why we kept shushing them for concentration. Xiaoxian and nazri pointed out that there weren't any exams around that they could see and as a result it was really hard to know when to shutup. I suppose that's another problem/misunderstanding, yes, but considering the hell we go through to shut up outdoor spaces, i'm willing to take the risk. *thinks about the ip2s coming out of their classrooms to make calls and walk around and talk despite numerous warnings and requests against the very event* yeah. *thinks about grandjunior sprinting through charlotte's piece DESPITE red-and-white cordoning-off tape, TSD EXAMS PLEASE KEEP QUIET signs and numerous TSDians posted around the area to prevent such an occurance* *shudders* sometimes, juniors can honestly be so
dumb. or irritating. i know there're heaps of really nice juniors, the understanding, mature, non-clingy, accomplished onces, or even the kind headed straight for the top. (think althea, beau, june, amelia, fanglin...) it's just so irritating, that the rest put us all to shame. *cross*
anyway, my initial point was that there are many different shapes to boredom. every TSD junior in sight was in a different shape, but the only thing we were conveying was boredom. i could feel it radiating out of each other. we were almost glad when people walked by, making noise, so we'd have something to do. i KNOW Shut Up is really important, and i would kill my juniors if they didn't do a good job, but all the same it's boring. plus i forgot to bring my book, how dumb is THAT.
the good point about Shut Up is that you meet people you don't normally. besides an awful lot of (noisy) juniors, i saw charissa =) , the senior class (yonghong started to do his "laaaaauuuuraaaa" suan-ing before he got cut off by huge SHHHs from the roland and the entire Shut Up crew about 3 letters into the word LOL), yijin, michelle (say this really fast multiple times: one smart fella he felt smart. two smart fellas they felt smart), megan, nazri, nicole, yirui, shi tian, and a whole bunch of other people who have lectures in LT5. i hadn't seen charissa in ages. i miss our class! today cheryl lim was messaging yirui ;) about house comm stuff and i realised i havent talked to yirui in FOREVER! omg! haha mark too. and yeah just alot of people la. and then my phone ran out of battery so i couldn't follow up the impulse to mass sms everyone. lol.
and EQi rated my impulse control pretty high. hm, nicely done. (accordingly, i have problems sharing my thoughts and opinions and my participation in group discussions is limited as a result. now, would anyone like to second that?)
yay. have a gorgeous saturday you guys. i love you may jiaxin michelle michelle michelle christine! *hugs*
!! axis! we havent talked in forever! gosh kk will look you up haha =) reply k! *hugs*
Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:50 AM
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