Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Wednesday
26.07.06

haha so today went to michelle's house before ballet. cos the david hoe talk thingy ended alot earlier than expected, around 4, and then had to audition for a slot in the teachers' day concert (which is weird =/ didn't do that last year) with VIM. kyna came in shouting, "i need to shit!" and lydia (one of the only one of us who can counteract her effeciently lol) went, "kyNA, will you please HOLD IT?!" and then she was like "i can't dance full out i don't care if we're going down" which of course made wanyoong mock angry lol it was quite hilarious i swear kyna could make you cry laughing. still remember when she was telling us about her tsd, and how she was helping the seniors in their A levels, and cos the piece the person was submitting was a sound piece, so she was supposed to make it sound like she was being raped. so like they put her in the middle of a dark room and gave her this piece of red cloth she was supposed to protect like it's her baby (or her virginity lol) and then they got three guys to like attack her and yeah so she really freaked out and screamed like hell. it just sounds cool now haha but it was really funny when she told it. jill's in tsd too, she's really really nice! they're all like really really nice la haha AND skinny AND funny so yeah. haha. overdose of hahas, actually, i think i used them every sentence or so at least. haha. (see? haha!)

oh joel won his rockclimbing comp today! go joel! GREAT JOB =) yay haha he was among the 5 who flashed the first 4 qualifier routes, then flashed the first of the two routes in the finals (the other route, the whistle blew just as he was reaching for the last tile so ya -_- haha. it was a long route la. spread across 2 walls, 45degrees and roof. YAY JOEL XD lol no more face to go climbing with him liao! hahaha people around me too pro liao la. why don't we have more ameuteur climbers in singapore! haha.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:34 PM

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Wednesday
26.07.06

pure frustration.

there is nothing as frustating as knowing what to do, how to do it, wanting to do it and NOT BEING ABLE TO DO IT.
three bloody weeks. nearly a month! arrgh.


envy is the gun of the incompetent.
well, i'm a weapon of mass destruction then. at the moment, i'm not that into the caring bit of it all, though.


you seriously believe you can just pick up and drop people like that? what happened to friendship? wtH. if i wasn't so naiive, to think you cared.


if you hate people who angst on their blogs, well, i'm sorry. life feels angsty at the moment and i don't really feel like being smiley and happy and covering it up. because only one or two who actually make a difference read this blog, so i guess it doesn't really provide an outlet, but who cares anyway. sighhhhhh.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:09 PM

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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Tuesday
25.07.06


what's friendship to you?







thanks, gerry. and thanks, mel.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 10:12 PM

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Monday, July 24, 2006

Monday
24.07.06

floorball today was super fun la. haha never realised that daniel, wenshu, yeejek, leanne, vanessa, eric, zhengchen, nick, louis, and a whole lot of other people were good at floorball. haha. of course, all of us, including michelle, didn't realise that she was good until friday when she first tried it, but she is. haha. yay! it was really fun. alot of people were playing, but we had the whole hall to ourselves which rocked. i really hope we can play again tomorrow! especially with michelle and christine and eunice and all. though of course eunice *glare* should rest her poor ankle ahha. yayy.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 8:33 PM

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Sunday, July 23, 2006

Sunday
23.07.06

Ballet Under the Stars was much better than i thought. to tell the truth i was really dreading it and hoping it'd be over, but i was quite sad when it was. i saw ms cheah teaching at SBA earlier(she said bye to me when i waved =) and nearly teared over the all-too-familar place. oh well. yeah so VIM and Electrify and EeChing went smoothly, which was something, at least. after that, deejee prema and shakura left after the first performance which was too bad. Raymonda Act III was a beautiful ballet piece they neither appreciated nor cared for haha. but Dying Swan was TOTALLy TOTALLY ABSOLUTELY gorgeous. so was Paradise Falling, Reflections at Dusk and Mozart. it was like, the dancer being the dance, and the swan and the beauty and the sorrow and the grace all at the same time! i tell you it was absolutely gorgeous. Natalie Clark (the first swan) was all grace and sorrow, the second swan (zhou Lin i think) was struggle and pain, and the third swan (Xiao Mi? not sure) was just death and peace and gosh it was totally wonderful. they all danced in a different way, yet in a way that was completely the same XD it completely COMPLETELY rocked.

sigh.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:33 PM

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Friday
21.07.06

Racial Harmony XD

haha today was great! it was even greater because i didn't expect it to be. haha. i arrived in school at 0650 =.= and got xinhui to wear the saree with me. hers was rainbow! =) by the time we were both dressed nazri and mark and zhihui had come in and in the end realised that xx's whole clique was dressed up, which was great =) haha it was really fun! prema wore a peranakan outfit she borrowed from shakura, who was also dressed up and looking gorgeous, simran was a pseudoChinese and xx and nicole were pseudoIndians in bright blue and... bright blue respectively. yufei was a pink cream puff *cough* I MEAN she was a korean-y person i think =) haha she looked nice too and kogi and nazri looked hot in indian outfits ;) ! (at least, i think they were indian. haha.) chunhan and yirui looked good too, although chunhan's lack of full outfit and yirui's outfit-lacking-of-defined-ethnicity was a bit off. haha and jared and mark and jastine were wearing malay outfits which to tell the truth DID look good. mark's was, predictably, purple. -_- haha oh well and he needs to learn how to smile nicely. but otherwise he looked good. jared looks nice in beige, i think, except it looks like the school uniform so maybe i'm just used to seeing him in that colour? haha. zhihui looked TOTALLY uncharacteristic in a guai-kia malay seped-girl outfit of prema's, but interestingly looked quite nice too. so in all our class was a very gorgeous class =) and my table was so wonderfully enthu, four out of five brought outfits on their own accord! yay.
Theatre in the World rocked, we did the small-performances and it was great everyone did really really well i was really impressed. haha. i ended up doing a piece with pamela and jared which was quite fun even though i was like quite nervous haha. i found it quite hilarious in the end.
the whole day was even better than i'd expected, because the VIM people were really wonderful and understanding about floorball and all =) and my ankle didn't die out on me. yay. our vball was great even though we lost and floorball too. marianne rocks, and so does sihui, i tell you i would have slapped the bitchy me in her place. yay. so does jomaine. took bus home with clara and subra and marjorie (for the first part) after that. it was fun, we talked and all. clara rocks, but we have very different viewpoints, and subra rocks. he (and ganesh and nazri and jared) should join dance, i tell you. haha. because i believe he (and they) can all dance. anyway so it was really nice talking to them. subra in particular i don't believe i've had a chance of talking to before. as in, besides "hi-bye". he rocks la. XD yayy i love it when i realise that there are really people around me who actually really rock that much. they make my life worthwhile man. yay.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 10:51 PM

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Thursday, July 20, 2006

Thursday
20.07.06

did i say something about never being able to drop dance (or netball), that it's part of me and i'd like die before i gave it up?

well, i take that back. forget it. i'm no longer afraid of free time. thanks, Xh. now i finally know how to slack again. and yes, to all those who've told me over and over again, i'm crazy. stupid. bitten off more than i can chew.
i always followed the quote, "bite off more than you can chew, then chew it."
forget it. i don't WANT to do this anymore. it's killing all the passion, all the love, all the joy, all the laughter. Ms Lao once commented that every time she looked at me, i was always smiling, always happy. and it was true, then, though i got a little shock when i realised it. i was smiling right then - not beaming, but still smiling a little smile. it's been so long, so long since i've had that. since i could be fully happy doing something and... all the pressure. it's killing me. i know i'm being whiny. who was the one who said, "i never get stressed. i thrive under pressure." ? well, i take that back, too. forget it. that me is lost, and i don't know if i can ever find her again. today when leon (darren? some nice person anyway) told me deejee was looking for me, i just said she could go die. i didn't mean it, but i'm not particularly sorry either. i just felt like hurling my handphone into the wall, only i needed it and it would have stirred up things in class too much anyway.

wish i could just..




scream.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 10:32 PM

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Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Wednesday
19.07.06

thirteen days. that's nearly TWO BLOODY WEEKS. i think i'm one of the few i know who would feel it this badly. but, TWO BLOODY WEEKS! oman. lets recall - in one and a half months, i have the most important ballet exam of my entire life. if i fail this one, i can't go any higher in ballet, not in this lifetime anyway. i took TEN BLOODY YEARS to get here, not counting that i could have taken it two years ago. and, already my ballet is one of the worst in class. already i have a horrible stiff ankle (same as stephaniechen and the other girl from SBA can't remember her name) and a (i quote Mrs Lim, my ballet teacher) HORRIBLE TURNOUT, such that it takes three times as much energy for me to perform half as well and look half as good as the rest. and now, my right foot, as if my point wasn't already bad enough, can't point half as well as my left, meaning it looks four times worse than everyone else's. PLUS, i can't work it cause any energy i put through it sends sharp daggers nearly as bad as those you get from pointework, only they aren't normal. and in ballet you can't work with one foot, it just can't happen. you need all your body, all the time. i didn't realise til today. it's not like netball where i can grit my teeth and fake my way through. i can't even stand right in ballet! i'm so gonna fail my exam GOSH help me someone. ARRgH.

rantings aside, i realised something today. where would i be without dance? i could give up rockclimbing - it was a wrench, but possible. i could give up netball, perhaps, even. i might even give up dance. but both? dance - it's part of me, part of the me who does arabesques at bus stops and waltzes down shopping isles and pirouettes in class and eshappes down the corridor. netball - it's part of me, part of the me with (now) blister-immune feet who volunteers to be monkey in monkey's ball and charges on court during PE and goes high when i see a blue-white-red ball. rockclimbing? i let go, didn't i? i guess it's too new, not part of me yet - well, it's part of the me with blistered fingers and daily push-pull ups. but, not... oh well. bygones be bygones - thank goodness i still have joel. i don't have to totally give it up, not yet, at least.

but.
imagine.
imagine if i hurt my (God forbid) knee or something. it's happened, why shouldn't it? stephanie, rekha, lisabelle, andrea even.
never, never. i'd ruin my leg for life rather than give it up.

a wise cheorographer once said:
i don't want people who want to dance. i want people who HAVE to dance.

i do, therefore i am.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 10:53 PM

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Saturday, July 08, 2006

Saturday
08.07.06

so you go along strutting, proud and confident.
you walk past many faces who turn and say hi;
and you have short conversations with those who you like.
but deep down inside you can't help but cry.

'cause late at night, at home, when you are alone,
you realise you need someone to talk to on the phone.
you pick up the line but that's all you do,
because you realise at the end, no one is there for you.

i totally comprehended the feeling. how many times has it happened, that i just really needed someone to talk to, and didn't dare to pick up the phone? not because i didn't believe they wouldn't take the time off to talk to me if i showed up sobbing or venting angrily. nor that i didn't believe them when they said they'd be there when i needed them. the problem laid in that i was not sobbing, not angry, not incredibly upset. just, tired. just, lonely. just, sad. how long has it been, since i dared pick up the phone to call someone without having an excuse to call? hi, chunhan, have you done this-and-that homework, hey christine, do you have so-and-so's number, oh, eunice, what should i do for this-and-that problem, hello, michelle, where are we going for this-and-that meeting, hey, mark, do you know where so-and-so is?

when you're not crying, when you're not angry, not totally distraught and upset (although not totally un-upset either), who can you call? no, don't answer, i know you have someone, i'm sure you have someone. it's not that i don't know that mel, or lucinda, or eunice, or even michelle, will drop everything to talk if i need her to. i know they will. but the problem lies in me, that i'm too scared to talk, too scared to call, too scared to bother them for nothing. oh, hey laura, what's up? ohh actually if it's nothing i've kinda got homework now, i'll talk to you later yeah? alright then, see you tomorrow! hey, laura, what's up? huh? uh...okay... maybe you can do that chinese homework due last week if you're bored... yeah, i know... oh, i know, you can watch tv! project runway's on now, it's really nice... okay i'll see you then haha have fun!

let's admit it, i'm just scared that i'll have nothing to say. uncomfortable silences, or that they'll go, "what's up?" "why'd you call?" and i don't have an answer. yes, i know, funnnyyyyy, that laura the chatty, talkative, loud extroverted person can't think of a thing to say. like real, right?

ever thought there might be a reason for the chatter, that i'm scared of silences, uncomfortable silences, that underneath that rude butting in to convos, there might be a reason i never start my own? that i never really have anything to say? they say its harder to listen than to talk. is it really? i've never noticed.

so you go along strutting, proud and confident.
you walk past many faces who turn and say hi;
and you have short conversations with those who you like.
yes you are popular, no one can deny.

the first person who comes to mind never reads this blog, i'm relatively sure of that. when i was her friend, when i was still relatively important enough that she couldn't completely ignore me, when i still believed we were good friends, i could talk to her. she was the last person i can remember daring to call without a reason. she was always better, whether it was studies, dance, fitness, looks, body, friends. when we walked along the corridor, people we both knew and people only she knew would stop to chat, would wave and greet - her. i was invisible, i was extra, i was pathetic, clinging on to her and her friends because i didn't have my own. the only thing i had that she didn't was church, and often it didn't seem fair. she was a tap dancer, i'd taken ballet for ten years, yet she obtained honours for her intermediate foundation exam long before i could even try for mine. we both got into the netball school team the moment we tried - there was a reason i wouldn't quit, that it was the one thing i could equal her in. her sister was a national runner, she too won awards for her running. me, i was one of the last in class. the dance teacher fielded her into the performing group straight away, the rest of us slogged long and hard to gain a place in even ONE dance in ONE performance. did you think her studies were compromised? she consistently remained the the top class ever since we were streamed in primary school, while i was demoted to second best after one year. God, i envied her.

we were never true enough friends to stay connected without class to force us together. she never called, i gave up even waving. why force myself in? she was a different class - in so many ways.

yes, i've given up.
yes, i am exhausted.

i do not deny, being a hypocrite is something that no one can escape from. but where do we draw the line?

don't bother tagging condolences. "i'm always here if you need me." yes, i know that. i won't die, i won't suicide. no fret. "have more faith in yourself - you DO have friends!" yes, i know that. (who, pray?!) seriously, it won't make a difference. what difference can it make? friendship is not a promise that we make when someone breaks down, or when someone just feels like ranting on their blog. it's not something that you build up with just one statement, just one assurance. it's more than that, so, sorry, but don't bother trying. and don't be bothered if i just smile and say everything's fine when it's so obvious to you that it isn't. if you push hard enough, maybe i'll open. but it's not worth your trouble, especially if you're not sure. especially if you couldn't be bothered to read this whole post, especially if it's irking you that i'm being annoying and ranting.
oh i'm not fishing for affirmation because i know how irritating it is to have people whining on their blogs like i'm doing right now.
(no i mean seriously. i'm having fun ranting. don't be an arse and tag condolences / encouragements all over, that's just annoyingly patronistic.)
and for those who maybe, just maybe understand a little of what i feel, you know how hypocritical tagboards are. you know how i'll be holding back some stuff, even as it seems that i'm venting it all out now. that's it, isn't it? l-aura. how many of you know the difference between the me you see, and the laura i am? the one without the fake spacing, the facade-y front, the different identity that *quote mr koh* the internet allows us to put on?

i know i do that condolence-tag thing. i feel it's shallowness, and i don't have another way of extending an arm. even though i know that this way, it probably won't be taken, i'll try. just to make me feel better, if you will. because other than that, is there anything i can do? not unless we're closer, and you know we aren't. but i'm willing to try, anyway. friendship isn't a single promise of something you can never give on a fake board that you can never touch through. but friendship starts with trust, with a leap of faith, with a sincere wish to understand. i won't push, i hate people i can't stand pushing for me to open up to them. unless i get a go-ahead, i may be concerned, but i won't push you. call me selfish, i'm not risking rejection. maybe, just maybe, some of us will be able to bridge that gap, between friends and Friends. to some of you, i will try my best to be there for you. no one can promise always, but i can promise to try. i would say "you know who you are", but i'm pretty sure most of the "some" will not. all the same. take it as if it's meant for you. most likely, it is. you know i can't say who here. you can ask me, if you dare, if you care, if you bother. lol! the irony of all this hypocrisy.

simran once said she no longer believes in Forever Friends. then, i still believed. then, i tried to convince her. funny how it is. i no longer believe, either.

i remember the time i knew what happiness was...

Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:48 PM

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Friday, July 07, 2006

friday
070706

no, it's not your fault you have a lousy referee who couldn't keep score.
since she needed both hands to hobble around so she could see the game.
no, it's not your fault girls, especially this one, don't know the next thing about soccer/basketball.
although its one of her school's niches in her year and therefore she does.
no, it's not your fault she couldnt shout, blow the whistle, keep score, keep time, watch for fouls and argue with you at the same time.
i almost forget - hobble around too.
note to self: never umpire another match.

you completely SUCK at umpiring.

sorry all.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 9:28 PM

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Monday, July 03, 2006

Monday
03.07.06

My teacher once said that i was a very hardworking girl.
Never in my life have I killed anyone. TIL NOW MUAHAHAHA
The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always make me smile is NOT TELLING
I like lines because they look good on powerpoint.
When I'm nervous i become really loud and extroverted.
The last time I laughed was when lucinda told me about mel and her ipod video ;)
My hair is short =(
My feet are big. *sob*
Last Christmas I went to church. and i went to yirui's house for a class gettogether! =D
When I turn my head left, my left shoulder aches.
When I turn my head right, i get blinded by the sun.
When i look down i see the chinese homework i should be doing.

oops.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 1:42 PM

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Sunday, July 02, 2006

Sunday
02.07.06

You.
i don't understand you. i don't know how many times i've said this already, and it's still one hundred percent true. i don't understand you.
i don't like you. sometimes you're absolutely the most irritating, irritable, provokable, fussy, bossy, egoistic creature i know. well, almost the most irritating. i know worse. oh, and of course, when we disagree it's like clashing two cymbals together, only nothing as nice. seeing how both of us are more than usually vocal and stubborn and also more than a little proud. like repels, as they say. anyway, my point was, i don't like you.
and, i like you. because, sometimes you're nice, you're fun, and at least you're daring and you occasionally make sense. or more than occasionally, although those other times you're being so obnoxious i oppose you just for the sake of it. ugh. there are those times when you're the most fun person i know to be around, when i'm really glad i know you. there are also those times i could just slap you and scream at you, and i just want to so bad my eyes hurt from rolling. and then there are those times when you do things, say things, or don't say things... i just don't get those times. so in the end, it's back to the first point. i don't understand you.

You.
i used to envy you, to admire you, to worship you. i've seen your pms-ing mode, and your crazy mode, and your un-glam mode. and so now, i'm finally comfortable with it. you're not perfect, you're human. and, you're a a friend. not a best friend, that we are not. and i'm finally fine with that, too. because noone needs a best friend, just a close friend and a good friend. which you are. so next time i wake up screaming in the night, i finally have someone i'll dare to call to. thank you. =)

You.
you're a wonderful friend. caring, considerate, easy to talk to. yet when i just need someone to talk to, i don't dare to count on you. often i can't reach you, or i know you'll be busy and don't want to bother you. i just don't know. yet, i think i can count on you - you said so, i believed you. it's just... well, it's complicated.
and then, you understand so little about me. not that you don't understand me, or know me. but you can't empathise, you can't understand how i feel. we're so different, often i feel like i'm pulling off in an entirely different direction. but, well, you're still my good friend. close friend, even. we are still friends.

Posted by nayrakroarual at 1:46 PM

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Babel




things to do before i die