Saturday, December 31, 2005
Friday30th December 2005THANK YOU DANIEL. !!THANK YOU YEEJEK. !!you guys like saved my life during lunch today. haha. really, im grateful. thanks.
anyway,
GREAT JOB to all the PSLs !!
really. i've really gotten to know you guys better over this time and >< am really sad that its over!! well, i HAVE enjoyed working with you guys and everything. i think we all did a wonderful job, and, well, here's to greater PSL sessions ahead!! =D *hugs* take care, rest well, and continue to rock on as VIPers and OGLs!!! *clink*cheers*
Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:43 AM
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Thursday, December 29, 2005
Thursday
29th December 2005
shaaaaaaaaacked.
thanks for the inspiration, nazri.
IPO rocked. and my reserves need charging. *collapses*
Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:20 PM
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Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Tuesday27.12.2005i said no.funny, it didnt hurt.not as much as i expected it to.sigh. but i wish...
Posted by nayrakroarual at 10:26 PM
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Friday, December 23, 2005
Friday
23.12.05
why me?
the crazy over committed girl.
its not like i'm that good.
how do you know i'm good, anyway?
why do you think i "can do it"?
in fact, YOU CAN'T KNOW IF I'M GOOD. you haven't so much as TOUCHED your equipment before, ever!
you want atheletics, there are *sweeps hand* so MANY out there.
you want age -- there (point), there (point), there (point).
you want, i don't know, what do you want?!
i've got nothing to spare, nothing to offer, nothing to give. why me, why me?
the worst thing is, it wouldn't be a dilemma if i could refuse. if i could just say, no, i'm not interested, ask someone else, thank you. no, i'm in over my head as it is, no, i have not enough time left, no, i really love what i do now, no, no, no.
but the problem lies in that i can't.
i am interested.
i do want the chance.
i want to join, too.why me?
Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:51 PM
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Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Tuesday
20.12.05
flashback.
scene: psl training. junior class groupings. we (06v12's psls) are carrying out our planned session, the first activity to be presented. it's the magazine pictures one.
everyone on our table is switching names due to the name tags given to them.
Daniel: hello, i'm laura. i'm an scgs girl who loves her school so much i still where their socks.
cut.
funny. i was reading his post (well, skimming through it actually) and i just thought again. about the stuff that i'd thought we'd long gotten over.
the nostalgia.
the missing.
the wishing.
the remembering.
then again, who am i kidding. we're all victims of our memories, and try as we might, we'll never fully banish them. there are reasons for the selectiveness of human memory, to quote diane duane -- the mercy of God aside, experiencing again and again the emotions coupled with memory would leave an entity no time for the emotions of the present moment... and then there is the matter of pain.
there are many moments when i wish with all my heart, from the bottom of my soul, that i could recollect, examine and sustain every moment of my life, in perfect recall. how i long for certain moments, and mourn bitterly for their fading in my memory despite my best efforts.
and yet, there are as well moments when i wish, for the sake of my mind twisting in agony, to remember nothing at all from the past day, but to be able to wake each day to start anew, afresh, free from the chains of yesteryear.
and so, throughout the course of the year, fighting nostalgia for the right to my present, and reminiscence for the right to my future, i've come to understand a bitter truth: memory is painful.
should i have a happy memory of a single moment, i would cry for its passing.
should i lose a happy memory to my forgetfulness, i would cry over the bitter loss.
should i have a painful memory, it in itself would cause pain.
yet to not have such a memory is humanly impossible, and to forget such a memory desperately hard to achieve.
memory is painful.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 5:20 PM
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Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Wednesday
13.12.05
In the Beginning
The Father was dreaming. I could see it in His eyes - the sparkle. It was there again.
“What is it You see, my King?”
He didn’t turn, but kept His gaze fixed on the great emptiness – the massive, bounding, unending space. The more He looked, the more His eyes would dance. I knew He saw something.
I looked in the same direction. I leaned forward and stared intently. All I saw was emptiness. All I ever saw was emptiness.
I hadn’t seen the sphere He had pulled out of the sky. “Where was that?” I asked as Hi began moulding it in His hands.
“It was there,” He replied, looking outward. I looked and saw nothing. When I turned, He was smiling. He knew a seraph’s vision was too limited.
The same thing happened with the water. “Where did this come from?” I asked, touching the strange substance.
“I saw it, Michael.” He chuckled as He filled an ocean from His palm. “And when I saw it, I made it. I saw it near the stars.”
“The what?”
“The stars.” Out into the void He reached. When He pulled back His hand, He kept it closed as if to entice me to lean forward. I did. And just as my face was near, He opened His hand. A burst of light escaped, and I looked up just in time to see it illuminate His face, too. Once again, He was smiling.
“Watch how they sparkle,” He revelled. And with a flip of His wrist, the palmful of diamonds soared into the blackness until they found their destiny, and there they hung.
“Won’t the children love them?” the Maker said as together we watched the twinkling begin.
I still wasn’t sure what or who these “children” were, but I knew they occupied a place in the Dream like nothing else. Ever since the dream started, the Father spoke often of these children – what they would like, how they would respond.
I remember once, the Father held the sphere in one hand and motioned to me with the other. “Come. See what the children will see.” He then put His fingers to His lips and blew gently. Off His fingers floated tiny whiffs of white cotton balls of fluff.
“What do they do?” I asked as the train of puffs sailed toward the globe.
“Oh, Michael,” He boomed with excitement, “they do everything. They give shade. They give rain. But most of all, My children can watch them pass and, if they look closely, they will see Me.”
That was the way He thought about everything. All the Dream was for the children. And in all the Dream was the Father. With a waterfall, He said, “I made it small so they could run in and out.” With the dandelion: “This is just the right size for the children to blow,” and the rivers in the canyon: “They can sit right here and watch the water race into the valley.”
“But where are the children?” I once asked, looking into the same space from whence had come the rest of the Dream.
“Oh, not out there,” responded the Artist. There was urgency in His voice as He repeated, “Not out there.”
But that is all the Father said. And that’s all I asked.
With the coming of the creatures, I almost forgot. We laughed so much as He made them. Each one was special. The tiny wing for the mosquito. The honk so unlike any other sound for the goose. The shell for the turtle. The darting eyes of the owl.
He even let me decorate a few. I put violet in the butterfly wings, and He loved my idea to stretch the elephant’s nose.
What fun it was as the heavens gave birth to fowl and fish, reptile and rodent! No more had the little ones scurried of His palm than the giant ones appeared, he grabbed the giraffe and stretched its neck, and He put a whole in the whale’s head (“so it will come to the surface to breathe and the children will see it”).
“What will we call them all?” I asked.
“I’ll leave that up to the children.”
The children – I’d almost forgotten. But he hadn’t. As the last winged creature left His fingers, He turned and looked at me and I knew.
“It’s time?”
“Yes, it’s time.”
I expected to see His eyes dance again. But they didn’t. I anticipated eagerness. But He didn’t begin. For a long period, He sat looking out into the void – longer than normal.
“Do You see the children?”
“No. They are not to be found out there.”
“Then what do You see?”
“I see their deeds.”
He spoke softly. The joy was gone from His voice.
“What? What is it? What is it You see?
Perhaps it was because He thought I needed to know. Or maybe because He needed someone else to know. I’m not sure why, but He did what He had never done before. He let me see. As if the sky were a curtain, He took it and pulled it back.
Before I could see it, I could smell it. The stench stung my eyes. “It’s greed you smell,” He explained. “A love for foolish, empty things.”
I started to turn away. But my King didn’t, so I didn’t, I looked again.
It was so dark – a darkness unlike the starless sky – a blackness unlike the void. This darkness moved. It crept. It shadowed and swayed. It was a living soot. He knew my thoughts and spoke.
His words were slow and spaced. “They will put it out.”
“What?”
“They will destroy that which makes them mine.”
It was then I saw for the first time. He reached into Himself – deep into His own self and pulled it out. A flame. A shining circle.
It glowed brilliantly in His palm. Much brighter than the constellations He had spread out or the sun He’d ignited.
“This is...” I began.
“This is part of Me,” He confirmed and added what I couldn’t have imagined. “And out of Me, I will make my children.”
For the first time I saw. I saw why the children were so treasured. I saw the uniqueness in them. They bore His light – the universe He created, the children He fathered.
“But the darkness?” I had to ask. “Why?”
“Just as I chose, so they must choose. Else they won’t be Mine.”
Just then His face lifted. His eyes brightened. “But they won’t all forget Me. Look.”
Into tomorrow I gazed. At first I saw nothing. Just swarthy darkness billowing. But then, as I searched, I saw. First, only one, then a cluster, then more – lights they were. Flickers of candles, weakened but not lost in the darkness. Like the stars He had cast against the black heavens, these flames flickered in a stable sea.
“It’s My children.” There was pride in His voice. “My children remember.”
The look on His face, I cannot forget. His eyes had sparkled when He suspended the planets in space; His cheeks had danced as He heard the cat purr. I had seen His face alive before – but not like now. For this moment – when He saw His children alight in the darkness – when He saw those who were His seeking Him – He celebrated. His countenance exploded with joy. His head flew back, and laughter shook the stars.
“My children, My children, My children,” were His only words. And then, He paused, wiped tears from His face, and pledged a promise for all of Heaven to hear.
“You haven’t forgotten Me; I won’t forget you.”
Then He turned to me. “To the work, Michael; we’ve much to do. We must make the Dream come true.”
And I thought making the animals was a delight. “No two will be alike,” He vowed as He began reaching into Himself for balls of light. “Some big, some small. Some timid, some bold. Some with big ears, some with little.” And off His palm they came. Generation chosen. Destination determined. Each with a different thread of character or shape of body.
But each with a bit of Him – a light within.
And He even let me help. “Look what I made, Father,” I told Him. “I call them freckles. Let me show You how they work.”
And He smiled.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 7:25 PM
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Monday, December 05, 2005
Sunday
4.12.05
OUT of Action 05/12-10/12/05, malaysia.
its kinda late, but if you want anything, drop me a tag/mail. i'll check it on my friend's laptop there. =)
regards to all, and happy birthday:
Koganti (belated) 02/12
Sean (belated) 03/12
Megan (tomorrow/today) 05/12
Jastine 06/12
Dawn 24/12
Johnanna 24/12
you guys rock. take care and have a great year ahead! (i apologise to sean and koganti, i thought your birthdays were on the 12th and 13th. then i checked my calender. haha. =)
Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:49 AM
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Friday, December 02, 2005
Friday2.12.05you. yes, you. no, not you. actually, since you never come to my blog, no, it wont be you reading this. unfortunately. if you did, maybe you would actually understand me. no, i doubt it. well, maybe you'd actually understand why i treat you the way i treat you. actually, i doubt that too. how do i know you never visit my blog? that's a valid question. after all, most people would have the decency to keep their mouths shut about stuff such as that i have written about you here, having read that about themselves. but, you see, you are not most people. apart from being a tad less quick on the uptake (which is one of the reasons as to my treatment of you), you also happen to be either too sensitive or too INsensitive and hence do not possess the normal amount of EQ. and thus you leave me with an enormous amount of doubt that, having read my blog, you would not have kept your peace but confronted me.
you asked me the other day what it was that you do that irritates me so much. i said i didnt really know. that was only half the truth. i
COULD list them out, if you want, but it would fill a book. then you said you didn't know what to do. when you speak, you make me angry, but when you kept silent, you also angered me. i just shrugged. the truth? the second part of your sentence wasn't true, still
ISN'T true. then again, how would i know, right? you've never kept silent, after all. what? i'm wrong? you have, but i still got irritated? well, maybe you didn't keep so long enough. five minutes is hardly a long time, after all. then again, it could be your face. or you many habits. remember? the bad habits that you wanted to list out yesterday. for goodness sake, for goodness
SAKE! you
KNOW, ni
ming ming zhi dao, that those habits are partly the cause of a lot of people's great irriation at you.
WHY THE HELL would you want to list them out?
PARTICULARLY in front of jasmine, who, heaven knows how, only just identified one, and in front of me, who you KNOW
KNOW KNOW has not been able to stand a 2 minute conversation with you before blowing up. i mean, if people havent noticed your bad points, don't point them out. if people can see nothing BUT your bad points at close range, then all the more you should not help them recall them, right? basic,
BASIC social skills.
another thing. remember, if people do not want to tell you stuff, don't try to force them to. you are not the kind of personality that people just blab their secrets to, you realise? and if you are not included, the people must have a good reason for excluding you. don't, pray, DON'T force your way through. the more you push, the more they will resist. i know pushing seems to work for some people, or at some times. trust me, it won't work - not with you, and not now.
LEAVE IT!and, please. you are a guy, you are a guy, you are a guy. remember that. bear that in mind. carve it on you heart. also, you have 3 sisters. no doubt that is part of the reason you are the way you are - however, it should by right save you from certain insensitivities that irk others. others, that is to say, me. and make sure that if you can't make sense of what i'm saying, make sure you make sense of what you yourself are saying. no doubt i was wearing a completely white outfit, from tip to toe, inside out. perhaps it was see-through (lets ignore the fact that i am practically flat chested and thus should not attract any attention even if my shirt WAS see through)... well, it certainly makes sense that i should be prompted to wear a looser shirt. (ideally, THICKER is the word to use, but once again, lets assume your vocabulary was phrased to mean thus such.) i should have heard it from a GIRL. a
FEMALE, a
CLOSE FRIEND.
ANYBODY, just not you! you have 3 sisters, at least one of which i am reasonably close to/comfortable with. well, lets assume you actually asked to your sister to prompt me, rather than suggesting it yourself. then, you add that i should either wear a looser shirt or a thicker bra. WTH? look. looser shirts are so that one does not emphasize her chest. thicker bras give poor flat-chested people more emphasis. even if you meant to say
THICKER shirts, it still lacks logic. thicker shirts make sure that your assets are not in full view to every pervert that walks by, thicker bras have the opposite effect. have you ever heard of contradictions? add on to the fact that
YOU advised me with regard to such a sensitive topic, and that you did so in public, and that you repeated it a few times just because a nod and a simple "ok" does not signify acknowlegement to you...
i rest my case.
*disclaimer: should the reader feel that part of the content is inappriopriate for certain groups of people, that is to say males, the reader may advise himself to shut his eyes or close the window.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 2:09 PM
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