Monday, March 30, 2009

42 Pandan Road (block and street name)
#100-107 (unit no.)
Singapore 243681 (postal district)

Dear Alan (salutation)

Today was like shit.
Thank God it's just the one class in the morning, then later an added class (science. thank God again) at the end of the day. I almost wanted to cry in the class. Okay, I'm exaggerating. But I still feel like shit. I handled 1C very badly today.

Okay, actually, just Darrel I think.

We were learning informal letter writing (which I find rather useless, because now there's email ANYWAY. If they need to learn anything, it's formal letter writing. But, oh well..) so I spent assembly time organising cutouts into sets so that they could put them together and paste them on a template in groups. Dana told me I had to go for assembly next time, when she came up later. *blush*

Organised them into groups, gave out the templates. Next time I must remember to start off strict and then loosen up. There's no way one can start of relaxed and attempt to tighten up later.

Groups were rather nightmarish. Not that bad, since it's 1C, but Joel Ong kept changing place (I think the only reason I let him get away with it was because he has an intelligent face, and he knows when to back down), as did Samuel and Chen Shun and oh a few others.

The problem was with Darrel and Peng Shu's group.

I like Peng Shu. He's quiet, hardworking, cute, obedient. Jia Jing was (rather understandably) pissed off with Darrel - she's supposed to sit beside him, but their tables are always a table space apart, and he's always taking her bag and kicking her chair and whatnot. Not in the I-like-this-girl-I'm-teasing-her-to-get-her-attention way either. Hai. I get the impression in general that the class doesn't really like Darrel a lot (thankfully they don't hate him like anything, either).

Peng Shu just didn't like Darrel putting both hands flat on his desk and leaning over him. So he tried to get him to take his hands off. That was when I first got them to start their work. By the time I was collecting the work, it had somehow escalated into Darrel slamming Peng Shu's table and Peng Shu shouting at Darrel. It's not as bad as it sounds, actually - it'd just started when I came to break it up, so Peng Shu and Darrel hadn't actually touched each other at all (not that I'd seen. They claimed differently.) although it no doubt would have gotten into a fist fight if I let it brew any longer.

I reprimanded Peng Shu for being touchy and easily irritable, and Darrel for provoking Peng Shu. Darrel claimed he hadn't provoked Peng Shu at all (which is such bullshit, I saw him, but then again I guess he didn't realise he was deliberately provoking him). To his credit, Darrel didn't shout at all, he was just being defiant and talking back to me, refusing to listen to what I said. Finally when he refused to listen to me and insulted me I ordered him out of class.

But since he was already not listening, why listen now, right? Sigh. To Peng Shu's credit, while I was arguing with Darrel, he barely said anything. Usually the kids try to add in ("Yeah, you were ..." "Yes, stop annoying me!") as I scold the other party. But after I told him not to, he shut up and didn't chip in. Joel did a little, but he was also smart enough to see I would get annoyed with him too if he continued it, and happily helped me give out the work when I asked him (so that he would have something to do instead of watching me debate with Darrel).

I think the problem was I was arguing with Darrel. You cannot argue with students. You rebuke them, you correct them, you never argue with them. I knew this, but I let myself get drawn into it anyway. Arrgh. =(

So anyway, I knew I didn't win the argument (because Darrel didn't listen) but all the more, I knew that I had lost the battle of authority with him. And, I'd wasted time so 1C didn't have enough time to do the highlighting-adjectives exercise that I gave out after that. =( Mistake, mistake.

I'm not sure what to do with outright defiance. I don't even know who the discipline master is, I can't give them a pink form or whatever it is they have, I can't hit them (goodness knows I've wanted to)... Teachers are all in all rather powerless, if you're in a war of power.

Although if you're in a war of influence, I must say teachers win hands down. Right along with parents and friends.

=/

Your friend, (closing)
Andrew (print name)

Posted by nayrakroarual at 8:50 AM

0 Comments

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Exemption Criteria

Candidates who fulfill any of the criteria below are exempted from the English EPT.



Ugh. This is SO CRAP la. How come they don't take into account that KI is a tougher course and we already went through a tough entrance test for it? Why is it still B for KI? WHY?
Sigh. I guess I'm just frustrated at my grades again. I just didn't expect to do so badly for KI, especially after my prelims (I was one bloody mark away from an A then). I mean, I've already made my peace with it and all. But I'm annoyed at having to pay $52 to sit for some English Proficiency Test. Sigh..

Posted by nayrakroarual at 5:50 PM

0 Comments

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Thursday, March 19, 2009

How am I supposed to know NOW, what I want to do THEN?
And how am I supposed to choose? :(

If I choose primary track, then the teaching itself is so BLAH. I mean, primary Mathematics? Maybe. Primary English, maybe. Primary Science is just blah.

If I choose secondary track, then the teaching is more fun. Secondary physics! Secondary English! Secondary art! (But, so sad, I didn't take art at A level. DAMN why did I take tsd? I should have taken art! I don't even need an A! Just "a pass at A level art H2." :( Oh man!)

Butttttt, if I choose secondary track, then I'm stuck with annoying angsty teenagers. Okay, with a few nice mature ones that I can guide and talk to. (Donovan, Benjamin Wong, Xin Min come to mind...) But no more little cute kids! (Daniel Peh, Darren Ng, Mark Lim come to mind...)

How am I supposed to choose between the kids I can love straight away, and the kids I can talk to and respect? It's also the choice between the challenge, and the boring (for the teaching subject, I mean. The teaching will always have challenges.).

:( choices, choices, choices...

Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:45 AM

0 Comments

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Sometimes you must smile even though you want to slap them.
Sometimes you must smile even though they're all pushing you and you're inches from falling but you must still gather your strength and stand firm.
Sometimes you must smile even though you feel like they just slapped you in the face.
And sometimes, just sometimes, you must smile even though your heart is crying.

But then, smiles are supposed to hide everything. :)

Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:13 AM

1 Comments

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Found the post below in a discussion board for the "Dare to Question" event my friend invited me to. Normally, I'd just ignore or decline, but it was broadcasted as this intellectual forum thing and I thought, hey, I might as well check out the discussion boards. I mean, they heavily deny that it's "outreach" or trying to "convert" anyone to Hinduism, but it's basically raising awareness, right? And how can you be so sure your faith is the right one if you have not tried all the others, right?

Err, sorry, but the post below still makes zero sense to me.

It reminded me of all those dumb Christian emails ("IF YOU LOVE JESUS, SEND THIS TO EVERYONE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK NOW!"), with the exception that I agree with what the Christian emails say (up to the point where they tell you you serve the devil by deleting it -.-) (oh, and except for that one about some supposed movie in Europe degrading Jesus and making us sign a petition against it) whereas for this post the entire content just kinda made me go, "Huh?"

Okay. So Hinduism is a set of beliefs and practices. I can deal with that.

No specific god. You can even be a Hindu atheist, apparently.

To me, this is where Hinduism is definitely not a religion. If you're a religion, you have a god. If you believe in any/no god, and you can still be part of this, it is a culture. Like being.. liberal. As in, basically, you're joined by a common acceptance of something (religious freedom, or something, in Hinduism's case).

So you're telling me that basically, you don't know if there is one god, or many gods, or none at all.

But the truth is that there can only be none OR one OR more than one.
So, which is it? ..Okay, let's skip this question for now.

There is no specific Holy Book or Prophet from which to obtain the absolute standard for this philosophy (I would say religion, but I'm a bit confused with regard to the god part). Of course, this begs the question, since you might be a Hindu atheist and so believe that there can be no Holy Book or Prophet because there is no Higher Being.

So, where do the beliefs and practices come from?
Culture, tradition. (Am I wrong here?)

Okay. So, what's the point of these practices and beliefs? What is the point of Hinduism, then? I was reading another of these discussion threads (Death of Hinduism- Is Hinduism really under threat?) and some of the people are saying that you might be Hindu and not know it.

This, I can agree with. I mean, you might be serving the right God and not know it (so in a sense, be a Christian and not know it - i mean, you could follow Christ and not know you're a Christian, you know?). But then I don't get the central thing that binds the Hindus together. Not all of them follow the same practices. I'm not talking about certain rituals and all - not like the charismatics and the anglicans have all the same practices anyways. I'm pointing out that there is no underlying action (e.g. baptism? communion?) that links these. No underlying belief (e.g. Jesus is the Savior. Allah is God. etc).

Okay. It has occurred to me that I don't know Hinduism at all. So, maybe the raising awareness thing has a point.

But I'm also confused. What was discussed on this forum doesn't sound anything like what Shreya and I discussed about Hinduism, for example the three major gods, or many different deities, or what we learnt about Hinduism (e.g. the many rituals - that skin-piercing thing, is that Hinduism? or Indian dance giving glory to the god of dance (i've seen the picture, the statue has this spiked hat and many arms, or something)).

It just seems to me that if I'm not required to believe anything or act in any way, then there is no defining Hinduism. And there is no point in becoming a Hindu. ("you can't convert - it's a set of beliefs and practices, not a religion") So I don't need to be Hindu, I can just continue being Chinese, or Singaporean, or Hokkien. I'll stay Christian, or free-thinker, or Muslim, or atheist, and I won't lose out.
Everything is acceptable in Hinduism because there is no single authority or organization either to accept it or to reject it or to oppose it on behalf of Hinduism.' I told her - if you look for meaning in life, don't look for it in religions; don't go from one cult to another or from one guru to the next.

For a real seeker, I told her, the Bible itself gives guidelines when it says ' Kingdom of God is within you.' I reminded her of Christ's teaching about the love that we have for each other. That is where you can find the meaning of life. Loving each and every creation of the God is absolute and real. 'Isavasyam idam sarvam' Isam (the God) is present (inhabits) here everywhere - nothing exists separate from the God, because God is present everywhere. Respect every living being and non-living things as God. That's what Hinduism teaches you.
Right. True that the Jesus Christ says that we are to love one another. But what about the other part, when he says "The only way to the Father (that is, God) is through me"? How does that fit in?

The meaning of life is to love each and every creation of God. Oh, okay. But I thought you just said I could be atheist AND Hindu. =( So, since I don't believe in a god, I don't believe in a "creation" - where does that leave me? I'm just supposed to love everything around me? (But i hate mushrooms! And cockroaches.)

Respect every living being and non-living things as God. Wow. Uh, I'm sorry, but that one I just can't go with. God is God (or Gods are Gods, seeing as how you can have a few - lets not even go into if I'm a Hindu Atheist).
If I treated everyone and everything like God, then why do I even believe in God? He is the same as everyone and everything else. No diff. No point worshipping him (or her. or them. or, um, nothing, if you're an atheist).
And, well, honestly, I'm not about to respect my handphone like I respect my friend. Let's not even go into respecting the mosquito I just killed, or the toilet I just flushed...

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:25 PM

5 Comments

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Four years ago, I was flying from JFK NY Airport to SFO to attend a meeting at Monterey , CA . An American girl was sitting on the right side, near window seat. It indeed was a long journey - it would take nearly seven hours. I was surprised to see the young girl reading a Bible; unusual of young Americans.

After some time she smiled and we had few acquaintances talk. I told her that I am from India . Then suddenly the girl asked: 'What's your faith?'

'What?' I didn't understand the question.

'I mean, what's your religion? Are you a Christian? Or a Muslim?'

'No!' I replied, 'I am neither Christian nor Muslim'.

Apparently she appeared shocked to listen to that.

'Then who are you?'

'I am a Hindu', I said.

She looked at me as if she was seeing a caged animal. She could not understand what I was talking about. A common man in Europe or US knows about Christianity and Islam, as they are the leading religions of the world today. But a Hindu, what?

I explained to her - I am born to a Hindu father and Hindu mother. Therefore, I am a Hindu by birth.

'Who is your prophet?' she asked.

'We don't have a prophet,' I replied.

'What's your Holy Book?'

'We don't have a single Holy Book, but we have hundreds and thousands of philosophical and sacred scriptures,' I replied.

'Oh, come on! at least tell me who is your God?'

'What do you mean by that?'

'Like we have Jesus and Muslims have Allah - don't you have a God?'

I thought for a moment. Muslims and Christians believe one God (Male God) who created the world and takes an interest in the humans who inhabit it. Her mind is conditioned with that kind of belief. According to her (or anybody who doesn't know about Hinduism), a religion needs to have one Prophet, one Holy book and one God. The mind is so conditioned and rigidly narrowed down to such a notion that anything else is not acceptable. I understood her perception and concept about faith. You can't compare Hinduism with any of the present leading religions where you have to believe in one concept of god.

I tried to explain to her: 'You can believe in one god and he can be a Hindu. You may believe in multiple deities and still you can be a Hindu. What's more - you may not believe in god at all, still you can be a Hindu. An atheist can also be a Hindu.' This sounded very crazy to her. She couldn't imagine a religion so unorganized, still surviving for thousands of years, even after onslaught from foreign forces.

'I don't understand but it seems very interesting.

Are you religious?'

What can I tell this American girl?

I said: 'I do not go to temple regularly. I do not make any regular rituals. I have learned some of the rituals in my younger days. I still enjoy doing it sometimes.'

'Enjoy? Are you not afraid of God?'

'God is a friend. No- I am not afraid of God. Nobody has made any compulsions on me to perform these rituals regularly.'

She thought for a while and then asked: 'Have you ever thought of converting to any other religion?'

'Why should I? Even if I challenge some of the rituals and faith in Hinduism, nobody can convert me from Hinduism. Because, being a Hindu allows me to think independently and objectively, without conditioning. I remain as a Hindu never by force, but choice.' I told her that Hinduism is not a religion, but a set of beliefs and practices. It is not a religion like Christianity or Islam because it is not founded by any one person or does not have an organized controlling body like the Church or the Order, I added. There is no institution or authority.

'So, you don't believe in God?' she wanted everything in black and white.

'I didn't say that. I do not discard the divine reality. Our scripture, or Sruthis or Smrithis - Vedas and Upanishads or the Gita - say God might be there or he might not be there. But we pray to that supreme abstract authority (Para Brahma) that is the creator of this universe.'

'Why can't you believe in one personal God?'

'We have a concept - abstract - not a personal god. The concept or notion of a personal God, hiding behind the clouds of secrecy, telling us irrational stories through few men whom he sends as messengers, demanding us to worship him or punish us, does not make sense. I don't think that God is as silly as an autocratic emperor who wants others to respect him or fear him.' I told her that such notions are just fancies of less educated human imagination and fallacies, adding that generally ethnic religious practitioners in Hinduism believe in personal Gods. The entry level Hinduism has over-whelming superstitions too. The philosophical side of Hinduism negates all superstitions.

'Good that you agree God might exist. You told that you pray. What is your prayer then?'

'Loka Samastha Sukino Bhavantu. Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti,'

'Funny,' she laughed, 'what does it mean?'

'May all the beings in all the worlds be happy. Om Peace, Peace, Peace.'

'Hmm ...very interesting. I want to learn more about this religion. It is so democratic, broad-minded and free' she exclaimed. 'The fact is Hinduism is a religion of the individual, for the iindividual and by the individual with its roots in the Vedas and the Bhagavad-Gita. It is all about an individual approaching a personal God in an individual way according to his temperament and inner evolution - it is as simple as that.'

'How does anybody convert to Hinduism?'

'Nobody can convert you to Hinduism, because it is not a religion, but a set of beliefs and practices. Everything is acceptable in Hinduism because there is no single authority or organization either to accept it or to reject it or to oppose it on behalf of Hinduism.' I told her - if you look for meaning in life, don't look for it in religions; don't go from one cult to another or from one guru to the next.

For a real seeker, I told her, the Bible itself gives guidelines when it says ' Kingdom of God is within you.' I reminded her of Christ's teaching about the love that we have for each other. That is where you can find the meaning of life. Loving each and every creation of the God is absolute and real. 'Isavasyam idam sarvam' Isam (the God) is present (inhabits) here everywhere - nothing exists separate from the God, because God is present everywhere. Respect every living being and non-living things as God. That's what Hinduism teaches you.

Om Namo shivaay.....

Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:25 PM

0 Comments

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Friday, March 13, 2009

Ugh. I hate falling sick.

But, thankfully, I'm better today! =) Hopefully will be all better by 6pm, so I won't die during ballet.

Giving YueQun tuition is fun. Although it highlights to me how much I have already forgotten about my jc work. But to do it over again just seems so.. heh. Haha. At least I figured out all the problems, eventually.

Saw Nicolette's latest video on youtube. She looks awesome! As usual. I miss all the vjdancers! Haven't seen all of them in ages ages. Okay, since last friday. But still feels like ages. Haha.

Okay! Gotta go or I'll be late for ballet (again, whoopdeedo). Hope it doesn't rain (again)!

Posted by nayrakroarual at 4:21 PM

0 Comments

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Starry starry night
Paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day...

Hmmm.
4 expected grades.
1 unexpected, rather disappointing grade.

Not my will, but Yours be done.

Well, anyway, thank you for ALL my grades, God. Even KI. I could have done a lot worse and I'm so thankful for all the blessings you've given me. I guess you're right, I don't need everything my way, and I can't have it all my way if I'm to grow.

It's funny. I just realised I got all I asked for. I asked you for the grace to accept whatever results I got. And, well, of course I could've done that if you'd given me 4 or 5 As. But you gave me grace in giving me less than that. And yet it was such that I could bear it. You sent people to comfort me, and to keep me humble as well. You did give me that - thank you, God. You really have blessed me after all.

But, sigh. It still kinda irks =/

Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming,
but who can stand before jealousy?
(prov 27:4)

Posted by nayrakroarual at 2:20 AM

0 Comments

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Sunday, March 01, 2009

I need to sleep VERY VERY SOON.

Audrey will kill me for not listening to both songs. Haha. Well, at least the gravel road sounds nice =)

Modern class on saturday was LOTS better than i even imagined. I was SO PISSED with myself for not trimming my nails! ARRGH had to spend the better part of the class hobbling on one foot, or neither. INFINITELY ANNOYING. Especially when I joined dsi mainly to learn pointe. Gah!

I think the reason I dislike listening to music on youtube is that it puts a picture in my head. It's infinitely annoying. I can't choreograph with a picture in my head because I'll try to fit it to that picture and of course it only turns out ...never as nice. Gotta let the picture form on its own.

Anyway, gotta sleep. Night =)

Posted by nayrakroarual at 10:49 PM

0 Comments

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Babel




things to do before i die