Saturday, November 18, 2006
Saturday18.11.06Angst.disclaimer: this is just another batch of teenage angst. if you don't wish for it, then just spare yourself and skip the whole thing.i was full of ideas for a nice happy post. but you know what, i don't feel like it anymore. nevermind that i've got a wonderful life, lots of nice things, all the stuff that i know i should be really alot more grateful of. trained from the cradle to count my blessings i was, first by my parents then by myself. so now, my mind just automatically adds up all the good stuff i should be happy and thankful and basically grateful and all about and slams it in my face.
funny how counting your blessings can sometimes make you feel alot worse. it deprives you of the right to feel unhappy, yet does nothing to dispell the unhappiness. in fact, it kinda adds to it by adding guilt and the i'm-an-ungrateful-horrible-selfish-brat thing to it.
i often snap when people are being exclusive, or maybe when i imagine them to be, or then i put on fake smiles (smiles, because a fake smile never sticks and you have to keep supplying them to keep the impression real), at the same time backing off and throwing up ice walls around me. and afterward, or sometimes even as i retreat into my own solitary world, i'll beat myself and scream at myself for being stupid and selfish and self-absorbed. because it's always so small and insignificant in the end, or i could have reacted some other way instead of being dumb. and in the end, also because i know that it's not really them being exclusive, it's me excluding myself because i'm feeling left out, lonely, insecure. i love groups, i hate groups, especially when i'm not a part of them. whether i diss them as being terrible not-my-type or cling around trying to fit in, does it really matter? in the end, i don't, can't, won't.
goodness, i think i once declared those words banned from my dictionary.
and now, it's one of those stupid self-absorbed arrogant times again. you think the whole world should revolve around you, don't you laura, just wish the whole world would stop for your wishes, just for a day.
hell, dream on.
it might even just be me moulding myself out, making sure i never really fit in, get in, whatever. after all, have i ever really? what would i be if i did? i kind of fear that me, 'cos it wouldn't be the me i am now, not that i really like being me now. but i feel it, whenever i'm close to fitting in somewhere, or getting close to someone, i just pull away, change so that i don't, can't fit in, whatever. sure, i get shut out, but how much of that is me? goodness, i don't know. now, here comes the self pity again. wow. wonderful isn't it.
gosh. i completely hate you. me. i. whoever that is.
and in the end, i don't even need the world to stop for me. just wish that maybe i could catch up with the world, spin with it a few rounds, actually become part of it. i just wish i could stop feeling shut out, stop feeling left out, stop feeling lonely, stop feeling stupid. wish i could have someone who really cares, and who'd continue caring, and who i knew would still care no matter how self-absorbed, selfish, horrible, stupid, irritating i am. who loves me, and i don't mean romantically.
yeah, now you heard the truly confused stupid crazy idiot beneath the layers of mad rushes to ccas, chionged schoolwork, forced enthusiasm and conterfeit smiles. this is one of the times that crazy person chained down there just bursts through the covers, while the usual image you see tries desperately to keep it down, and of course fails. and of course actually hiddenly (as some people would point out) wants to fail because it actually does in the end. doesn't it. and then when all the layers have settled back on later, hopes that the world hasn't seen, or hasn't taken offence, and tries to hide any trace of it ever happening.
sometimes it just sucks so much, this being able to think. but in the end (again, how many times has she used the phrase now, goodness) it's the heart, isn't it? or rather the area in the mind where feeling really comes from, because your heart is just this muscle and even when you get a transplant you still feel fine, feeling being not the physical one but the emotional bit. when you wish with all your heart, you really wish with all your mind. dead metaphors direct your feeling to the heart, the centre of your body, but it isn't really, is it. well, no matter. that's not the point here, or at least it wasn't. in the end, i wish with all my mind, heart, whatever, that i COULDN'T feel, couldn't think. didn't exist. they say God respects us too much to just annihilate us and not let us suffer the consequences of our actions, which is why our souls last on past physical mortality. i wish it weren't so. i'd have committed suicide ages ago in that case.
one last, stupid thing. it's so easy to fake it, to conceal it, whatever you're really feeling inside. despite everything, we're all born actors really, we can all do it if we wish. all the more, all the MORE easier with msn and sms, you don't even have to bother with disguising anything, just chatter away and throw in hahas and =)s and other happy stuff and there you have it, a readymade happy image. lol. =D yeah, sure! see? 2 taps on the keypad, it's done, with maybe just a couple more for authencity if you're picky. the real problem is convincing your own mind that you want to hide it. because once you really want to, you can.
so, you see? i don't want to. *SLAM* there! teenage angst! i don't care, just live with it. yeah. GO AWAY. GOOD. that's better.
*slam*
everyone has the right to cry themselves to sleep in peace.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:58 PM
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