Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I'm wondering if there are some things that you just never get over. You read all those books, especially ones by people like Mitch Albom or Jodi Piccoult who are incredibly good at telling heartwrenching stories about how small, ordinary little mistakes (or maybe not so ordinary or small, but extremely believable and completely commitable nonetheless) can just screw up this whole chain of lives. Or at least one person's life entirely. And so I said to myself, Never! Never will I commit that mistake. I will be careful, I will be smarter, I will be loving and I will be strong. I will not ruin my life, or my kid's life, or whoever's. I may make mistakes but I will recover from them. There are very few irreparable mistakes, and I am not going to commit them.
But then there're times like these, when I wonder if I haven't already committed those very mistakes. Or maybe I was wrong, that there
are a lot of irreparable mistakes and things you just can't get over, recover from.
I guess I thought I was over it. Stupid! Statements like that always invite trouble. Obviously. But really, I thought I was. I thought it wouldn't bother me anymore, but then stuff like this happens and that huge green knife just stabs again and I just let it. Stupid, stupid, STUPID.
So now I gotta figure out what it is that cut so deep. Maybe it's the fact that we're not as close anymore, that I find it really hard to talk to you even though you're such an awesome person. Or maybe it's the fact that I know we were never really
that close anyway, even though that's one of the friendships I've give just about anything to have. Or maybe it's the fact that things are just happening without me, and I'm just stuck in here in this gorgeous green room staring out. Or maybe it's the fact that I wasn't even aware that things were happening, til they happened, and that I didn't know at all, even though I thought - sorry,
hoped - (more like
dreamed, actually) that we were better friends than that.
Lol. Can't believe I let myself on delusions like that.
That's how people make irreparable mistakes. They all have this
hamartia, or fatal flaw, that ultimately dooms them. If they could overcome it, they're fine. If not, it trips them up and they spiral down over the course of the years. Wow, amazing the things TSD can teach you.
So, my fatal flaw is that I can't seem to destroy that knife. I thought I lost it, but it was just hiding for a while, waiting to stab again. Or actually, it may be that I let myself dream stupid things now and then. Hm? If I could kill the dreams, I could destroy the knife. But sadly, no guts to kill the dreams. Bah!
Posted by nayrakroarual at 9:44 PM
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home