Sunday, February 17, 2008
It's funny that the place I find it hardest to be a real Christian is in church. I can be a great, fantabulous, absolutely wonderful fake Christian. It's absolutely easy - with all the bright smiles and the pretending to be the closest of friends (except if you actually look closely I'm just carefully plopping myself on a carefully calculated place in the pew - just enough space so that when the people who are really in the clique arrive they won't kick me out, but close enough that I look like I'm part of it). The signing up for every activity that is planned - or going to support it if need be, even if I didn't want to sign up, the joining of all the committees - fellowship outreach worship WHY AM I SO STUPID ARRGH! Leading worship, doing my bible study, doing my quiet time, going for choir, doing outside bible study - I don't even need to do these things, but I do it anyway! Because if I don't, I'll realise I'm not actually needed, not actually missed, not actually wanted. It's ridiculous! And what's more, it's unravelling. I stop tagging along for lunches, stop pushing my way into a talking group, stop plopping myself in the middle of the front left pew, stop volunteering every question for bible study - and this is RIDICULOUS because I know that I'm hurting myself AND others and OH this is stupid I'm being unfair to the one or two people who actually care I shall just shut up and go to sleep.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 11:24 PM
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