Wednesday, October 31, 2007
You know something. I'm afraid that online werewolf is taking over my life. It's kind of like when I started playing sudoku, or rubicks cube, or bridge. I visualise scenarios in my head, play them out differently, try and figure things out. Strategies and images and games just force their way into my head, and I get distracted because it's like half my mind is elsewhere when I try to do work. I dream about it, too. Well, not werewolf, but I know I will sooner or later. I dream about everything else.
Everyone else has said it, they know I'm an addict. Honestly, they couldn't be more right. I'm so addicted I'm irritated with myself. Arrgh. I need to stop this. There are so many more important things in life. I see them, I know them, I want to reach out and DO them. But somehow, I always lack the energy to get myself up and moving.
I'm scared, actually. Everything I've been working to build is gonna come crashing down just because I keep thinking I'll be okay and signing on yet another game "to fill free time" which is an illusion, because of course it's too much and of course I won't stop. Then, I worry about letting the other players down for poor participation, etc. It's like a viscious cycle that I SHOULD stop,
know I must stop, but I just can't find the will to do so.
Another thing is I don't know what's happening to me this year. Likai told me he thinks I'm a loner. My first reaction was to laugh, because you're talking me here, the monophobic one, the one who can't survive without friends, the loud, outgoing YAY girl. And then I wanted to point out to him, "look who's talking??" And THEN I realised, he's right. Maybe not in our class now, but he has friends outside to hang out with, etc. Me, I just keep shutting myself off. I don't want to go out, I don't want to stay with people, I want to go home and be alone, do things by myself.
What's happening to me?I don't know why I am who I am anymore. And I don't like it.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 4:17 PM
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