Saturday, March 03, 2007
Saturday03.03.07Change.The thing that hurts most is not the things that are said, but rather the fact that these things are, undeniably, true. These very things that somehow always hit the sore spots that you
know you should be improving but haven't quite or that you have been trying harder to improve (and obviously, not succeeding as much as you thought). Peer appraisal, indeed - despite the superficiality of it all, in the end, you realise that your peers
do know you, and see through the facades you put up to the ugly soul underneath.
So much for the "no one sees the real me". They see you well enough, too well. What is failing is
your sight. Your
insight, if i might be so bold to say.
Even when you flip backwards a few pages (knowing full well that there was a reason the editors put the areasofstrengths comments before the areasfordevelopment comments, and wondering if it would have made a difference had you not purposefully defied that order) to read the praise, it feels superficial and shallow - mere flattery, repeated before, that cannot ease the hurt laid open by the cutting, honest criticism.
ouch.
And even as you feel your mooden darken and the corners of your lips drag downward, you close the book and put it aside for another day's reflection. Knowing full well that you are turning away from the cutting remarks made, that slice to the essence and pull the rug of pride from under your feet, and yet being unable to face it anymore. Knowing full well, also, that this is not the least of your flaws, and acknowledging that (not lacking a sense of irony) this is one of the flaws pointed out that you are turning away from.
But then you turn back to your table, to the relief of not having to think (just
do) while studying and completing homework, and you resolve in your heart to
change these areas, to display the strive for excellence
that is your criticism and commendation both.
Change.Even the constant yays. (you smile wryly.)
One last thing to be dissatisfied about, even as you know the great value of such honest feedback, given partly due to the anonymity of the comments. Wishing that you knew who gave what feedback, or that the feedback at the very least was grouped into the 6 different peers. After all, reading one thing on one page and the exact contrary not two lines after is somewhat confusing. Perhaps it's the different perspectives, you wonder. It probably is, but that makes it kind of hard to change - you can't change both, after all.
One thing for sure:
Either way, you need to work harder.
Change.;)
Posted by nayrakroarual at 2:50 PM
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