Saturday, July 08, 2006
Saturday
08.07.06
so you go along strutting, proud and confident.
you walk past many faces who turn and say hi;
and you have short conversations with those who you like.
but deep down inside you can't help but cry.
'cause late at night, at home, when you are alone,
you realise you need someone to talk to on the phone.
you pick up the line but that's all you do,
because you realise at the end, no one is there for you.
i totally comprehended the feeling. how many times has it happened, that i just really needed someone to talk to, and didn't dare to pick up the phone? not because i didn't believe they wouldn't take the time off to talk to me if i showed up sobbing or venting angrily. nor that i didn't believe them when they said they'd be there when i needed them. the problem laid in that i was not sobbing, not angry, not incredibly upset. just, tired. just, lonely. just, sad. how long has it been, since i dared pick up the phone to call someone without having an excuse to call? hi, chunhan, have you done this-and-that homework, hey christine, do you have so-and-so's number, oh, eunice, what should i do for this-and-that problem, hello, michelle, where are we going for this-and-that meeting, hey, mark, do you know where so-and-so is?
when you're not crying, when you're not angry, not totally distraught and upset (although not totally un-upset either), who can you call? no, don't answer, i know you have someone, i'm sure you have someone. it's not that i don't know that mel, or lucinda, or eunice, or even michelle, will drop everything to talk if i need her to. i know they will. but the problem lies in me, that i'm too scared to talk, too scared to call, too scared to bother them for nothing. oh, hey laura, what's up? ohh actually if it's nothing i've kinda got homework now, i'll talk to you later yeah? alright then, see you tomorrow! hey, laura, what's up? huh? uh...okay... maybe you can do that chinese homework due last week if you're bored... yeah, i know... oh, i know, you can watch tv! project runway's on now, it's really nice... okay i'll see you then haha have fun!
let's admit it, i'm just scared that i'll have nothing to say. uncomfortable silences, or that they'll go, "what's up?" "why'd you call?" and i don't have an answer. yes, i know, funnnyyyyy, that laura the chatty, talkative, loud extroverted person can't think of a thing to say. like real, right?
ever thought there might be a reason for the chatter, that i'm scared of silences, uncomfortable silences, that underneath that rude butting in to convos, there might be a reason i never start my own? that i never really have anything to say? they say its harder to listen than to talk. is it really? i've never noticed.
so you go along strutting, proud and confident.you walk past many faces who turn and say hi;and you have short conversations with those who you like.yes you are popular, no one can deny.the first person who comes to mind never reads this blog, i'm relatively sure of that. when i was her friend, when i was still relatively important enough that she couldn't completely ignore me, when i still believed we were good friends, i could talk to her. she was the last person i can remember daring to call without a reason. she was always better, whether it was studies, dance, fitness, looks, body, friends. when we walked along the corridor, people we both knew and people only she knew would stop to chat, would wave and greet - her. i was invisible, i was extra, i was pathetic, clinging on to her and her friends because i didn't have my own. the only thing i had that she didn't was church, and often it didn't seem fair. she was a tap dancer, i'd taken ballet for ten years, yet she obtained honours for her intermediate foundation exam long before i could even try for mine. we both got into the netball school team the moment we tried - there was a reason i wouldn't quit, that it was the one thing i could equal her in. her sister was a national runner, she too won awards for her running. me, i was one of the last in class. the dance teacher fielded her into the performing group straight away, the rest of us slogged long and hard to gain a place in even ONE dance in ONE performance. did you think her studies were compromised? she consistently remained the the top class ever since we were streamed in primary school, while i was demoted to second best after one year. God, i envied her.
we were never true enough friends to stay connected without class to force us together. she never called, i gave up even waving. why force myself in? she was a different class - in so many ways.
yes, i've given up.yes, i am exhausted.i do not deny, being a hypocrite is something that no one can escape from. but where do we draw the line?don't bother tagging condolences. "i'm always here if you need me." yes, i know that. i won't die, i won't suicide. no fret. "have more faith in yourself - you DO have friends!" yes, i know that. (who, pray?!) seriously, it won't make a difference. what difference can it make? friendship is not a promise that we make when someone breaks down, or when someone just feels like ranting on their blog. it's not something that you build up with just one statement, just one assurance. it's more than that, so, sorry, but don't bother trying. and don't be bothered if i just smile and say everything's fine when it's so obvious to you that it isn't. if you push hard enough, maybe i'll open. but it's not worth your trouble, especially if you're not sure. especially if you couldn't be bothered to read this whole post, especially if it's irking you that i'm being annoying and ranting.
oh i'm not fishing for affirmation because i know how irritating it is to have people whining on their blogs like i'm doing right now.
(no i mean seriously. i'm having fun ranting. don't be an arse and tag condolences / encouragements all over, that's just annoyingly patronistic.)and for those who maybe, just maybe understand a little of what i feel, you know how hypocritical tagboards are. you know how i'll be holding back some stuff, even as it seems that i'm venting it all out now. that's it, isn't it? l-aura. how many of you know the difference between the me you see, and the laura i am? the one without the fake spacing, the facade-y front, the different identity that *quote mr koh* the internet allows us to put on?
i know i do that condolence-tag thing. i feel it's shallowness, and i don't have another way of extending an arm. even though i know that this way, it probably won't be taken, i'll try. just to make me feel better, if you will. because other than that, is there anything i can do? not unless we're closer, and you know we aren't. but i'm willing to try, anyway. friendship isn't a single promise of something you can never give on a fake board that you can never touch through. but friendship starts with trust, with a leap of faith, with a sincere wish to understand. i won't push, i hate people i can't stand pushing for me to open up to them. unless i get a go-ahead, i may be concerned, but i won't push you. call me selfish, i'm not risking rejection. maybe, just maybe, some of us will be able to bridge that gap, between friends and Friends. to some of you, i will try my best to be there for you. no one can promise always, but i can promise to try. i would say "you know who you are", but i'm pretty sure most of the "some" will not. all the same. take it as if it's meant for you. most likely, it is. you know i can't say who here. you can ask me, if you dare, if you
care, if you bother.
lol! the irony of all this hypocrisy.
simran once said she no longer believes in Forever Friends. then, i still believed. then, i tried to convince her. funny how it is. i no longer believe, either.
i remember the time i knew what happiness was...
Posted by nayrakroarual at 12:48 PM
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