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i never knew how much i depended on you. how much i've structured my life around you. how i based my self-confidence on your confidence in me. how i made myself stay happy because you were sad, how i was sad because you were sad, too.
i never knew, because i never realised.
until now.

because now you're gone. you, too.

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i depend on you, cling on to you desperately, tag along hopefully. i hate myself for that, i wonder you don't hate me too. but i know it as well, if not better - without you, i'm nothing. without your friendship, your approval, i'm nobody. less than nobody, because i wont just be invisible, i'll be an outcast.
sometimes, you make me feel part of the group, you smile and laugh and it's as if i'm you friend. your good friend, even.
and then you go away and leave me crying. subtle signals that i pick up. it's not rejection, it's a reminder, that i'll never be one of them, them that you care about, them that others care about.
i realise, too, that you can make even the most outcasted part of the group. your friendship is that powerful, that influential, that strong.
but i'll never have it, will i?
i'll have your smiles, your words, if i'm really down, maybe even your concern.
but not your friendship. not your true friendship.
so i never can be sure that you'll stand up for me, that you'll be my friend when i'm not there, when it's not neccessary.