Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Tuesday26.07.05this is the happy part of my post.i met this wonderful boy on the bus!!! hahahahaha he is INCREDIBLY adorable la.whoa. let's slow down and recap a bit. clara went home early today and yvonne doesnt take 48 so i was taking the bus alone today. studied chem for quite a bit (one handout) and then fell asleep. haha next thing i knew the little kid was like nudging my shoulder. haha i think his grandma (beside him) was about to tell him not to bother people, but too late i was awake. "jiejie! hi!!" so ADORABLE. he looks remarkably like ryan (cousin) and he certainly acted as if he knew me so i thought it was ryan. haha hey i just woke up, give me a break. "hi!!-[waves]-you're very pretty.""oh.. thank you." [smiles and waves]"you can go back to sleep now." [smiles adorably]"uh..ok..." [goes - rather self-consciously - back to sleep. hey, i was TIRED.]-a few minutes later-"jiejie!! jiejie!!"[wakes up] "oh hello!"yeah so anyway. he was the cutest little kid. i kinda understand why mel and all like little kids so much. with them, you don't have to worry about your looks, whether what you say will be used against you or offend them, what to do, how to act. they just accept you for who you are. i can't remember the last time someone above six did that to me, and the last time anyone did that was this cute little girl a year ago at church retreat camp. it's the most wonderful feeling.not having to worry about politics, not feeling left out or worried about having nothing to say or not being able to entertain/engage. just, let them talk, nod, listen, laugh, encourage...this is the deeper, slightly dark part of my post.what will it be if i could live my life again? would i choose riches or the praises of men?sometimes i'm tempted, to choose romance... and the possibility, that my lonliness will end...no wonder people like vic are always in and out of love. i know, it's not really deep, it certainly isn't very lasting. but while you have it, it's the greatest feeling. to have someone really appreciate you, like you, care about you. i'm just so..hungry for that kind of concern. i know it sounds despo and everything. i don't care, and i'm not talking about bgr. but, sometimes - no, most times - i'll walk across the street and then i'll wonder. what if, a car just came and knocked me down now? would anyone realise? would anyone care? how long would it be til my classmates realised i wasn't in school? how long more til they bother to call to check, if ever?it's as if, well, i don't matter. at all. anywhere, anytime, to anyone. and well. it sounds self-centred and attention-hungry. but it's true. i just wish someone, somewhere would love me. not for what i do, not for what i sometimes can be. but for me, just as me.does that even make sense?this is the dark part of my post.what's happening? there is so much...envy. jealousy. and thus, anger. and so much more, bitchiness. what happened to the happy, carefree girl with not a care in the world? the ready smile, the easy laughter, the strong faith?i know what's happening, what's happened. worse, i know the why. inside, a hunger is burning, and a desperation to confide in someone, somewhere, sometime - soon. but no. no one must know, no one must even be allowed a near guess. because then the fragmented skeleton that is holding this world up might just crumble into a million pieces.i am here, and not fallen, i am afraid to try for more light, lest it mean more dark.
Posted by nayrakroarual at 9:20 PM
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